


The seed of darkness

by Broken Masques (Oreias)



Category: Star Wars, Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Abuse, Anxiety, Blood and Injury, Bottom Kylo Ren, Canon Universe, Canon characters as far as possible, Denial of Feelings, Desire, Evil Snoke, F/M, Forced Orgasm, Injury, Kissing, Kylo Ren Angst, Longing, M/M, Masturbation, Movie: Star Wars: The Last Jedi, Rape, Reylo - Freeform, SPOILERS WILL OCCUR FROM CHAPTER 2, Scavenger Rey (Star Wars), Sexual Tension, Star Wars: The Force Awakens Spoilers, Star Wars: The Last Jedi Spoilers, Tears, The Last Jedi - Freeform, This Plot Follows The Movies, Written along side the movie plot, blowjob, heart ache, inner turmoil, mentioning of other characters in star wars, rey (star wars) - Freeform, unconsented sexual acts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-02
Updated: 2018-04-13
Packaged: 2019-02-26 14:20:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 43,879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13237530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Oreias/pseuds/Broken%20Masques
Summary: Snoke rapes Kylo in the worst way possibly leaving him more than shaken up by the power this mad man really has over him even though he partly denies it.The force-connection between Kylo and Ray intensifies and in turn, Kylo also needs to get away from Starkiller base to think. Orders are saying one thing, his heart another, and his mind a third. This fic focuses on feelings and inner thoughts as well as struggling to coop with society tells you to and what feelings tell you but it is very much a Reylo. Kylo draws closer to Rey by every force-connection and yet he has his orders which he's beginning to doubt. The torment of his soul is tearing him apart and yet he can't help but thirst for the light like a moth flying towards a flame. Is she his savior or his death? Does he care?_____This is a Reylo which goes along with The last Jedi movies and mentions things that happened in The force awakens. This is also a fic where things are written in a way that they could be "plausible between the movie's scenes". Some chapters are written out as they are in the movie, but to get the actual FEEL of what's going on during those moments in Kylo and Rey's minds.PLEASE HEED THE CHAPTER WARNINGS IN NOTES!





	1. Humiliation

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place kinda at the first meeting we see between Snoke and Kylo Ren in the Star Wars movie: Last Jedi. There are however no spoilers to the movie in here!
> 
> If you can not handle forceful Rape and domination along with chokeholds and uses of The force, don't read this! :3 
> 
> FIRST chapter is a rape-scene, if you don't read those or don't like them, you can skip it and read from chapter 2 (chapter 1 will have impact later on in so far unwritten chapters in flashbacks and other kinds of torment-y things ;) )
> 
> This is also my first ever attempt to dare to try to write Kylo Ren. In my mind he's very complex and kind of intimidating for me to get on with x) Thanks to AO3 on Fb, I've mustered up the courage to at least try ^^;; Please be gentle <3 
> 
> I however also apologize in advance. This piece is not Beta-read in any chapter since my beta is currently unavailable due to life. 
> 
> Sidenote: Thank you "Wulfenstein" for helping me decide on the small edits to make the story flow! <3 :) 
> 
>  
> 
> (Recommended music: Tenth Dimension with the album Volume, you can find it on [spotify here](https://open.spotify.com/album/5bW23xst76YLvmURkm4aYF), songs can be found on Youtube as well. Songs recommended are _Fallen Shadows, D.O.A, For Justice, Devastation, rising of a knight_  
>  Fallen Shadows can be found here: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q9krYYSwQH4&spfreload=10](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q9krYYSwQH4&spfreload=10)

  


 

The blow came down hard without even as much as a touch. Kylo flew through the air, hit one of the red walls hard before he crash landed on his stomach on the floor with a thud that knocked the wind out of him. He gasped a few times while his back ached from the harsh hit on the wall.

 “ **You are WEAK! Your weakness makes you vulnerable,** **_Kylo Ren!_ ** **When I found you, you had a** **_raw untamed power_ ** **… I thought you to be the new Vader, now I fear I was mistaken… This weakness… This, poison!** _**Get rid of it!**_ ”

Kylo looked up at his teacher from where he was on the floor. 

“Supreme Leader… I have given _everything_ to you, to the _dark side_ … I--”  
  
“ **_Silence!_  I can feel it in you, boy! ** **If you can not get rid of this flickering weakness in you… You have too much of your father in you, get rid of it** **_all_ ** **and you shall find _true_ power! You are unbalanced, Ren! and take that _ **ridiculous**_ **thing** _ **off!**_  **”

Reluctantly, Kylo removed his helmet and placed it on the floor beside him while slowly getting himself up by placing his hands on the floor. The young Solo scrambled to his feet but did not find his balance before a hard blast of lightning hit him again, sending him flying through the air of Snoke’s chamber. He choked a cry of pain before he yet again landed hard on the floor with a thud but with his back this time. His body ached as if it was pierced by little needles, prickling all over by the electricity fired into his system. No matter what he tried, he never seemed to be able to block Snoke’s attacks in any way he could think of. Kylo licked his lips, his golden brown eyes glanced up at the man in front of him. He collected himself for a moment while Snoke had his back turned to him. Kylo then began to get up again but only got to stand on one foot and a knee before the Supreme Leader turned around. In a split second, long spidery fingered hand gripped his throat from afar but without as much as a touch, slamming the young Solo into the wall of the chambers hard and high enough to deny the boy any touch with the floor beneath him.

The echo of the back of his skull hitting the wall made the walls rumble, or, perhaps it was his own vision that thought they did when he slammed into them? Either way it hurt badly, it made him see stars while gasping for air which was denied to him by Snoke’s power. Kylo gripped his throat with his hands, trying to fight to get a breath through his choking. The Supreme Leader peered into his pupil’s innocent brown eyes with his own icy cold ones as he slowly walked closer to the red wall where he had pinned the boy against his will.

“ ** _Even now_ ** **I feel your insecurities... The wish to be like your grandfather and yet you lack conviction... A person is just as strong as their own weakness, Yours, Kylo… is far more weak than you think! Your grandfather had** **_hatred_ ** **, pure** **_hatred_** **. You are nothing but a** **_pup_ ** **compared to Darth Vader and yet you carry his bloodline? You are despicable,** **_weak_ ** **… nothing but a** **_child_ ** **with a** **_mask_ ** **!** ”

Snoke spat the words only inches away from Kylo’s face, had Kylo been standing on the floor the Supreme Leader would have towered over him with ease even though Kylo himself reached 6'3 (191cm) but now, he was at eye level with his Master who was well over his height.

The son of Han Solo and Leia Skywalker of course he tried to glare at the monster he called master while his mind fought against panic by being denied breath, trying to control himself the way he was taught by the very man who stood  before him. It was however hard to do anything else but try to get air at the moment. Even though he knew it was futile to try and claw at his own throat against powers of the mind he couldn’t help it. The glare at his Master soon turned  to a look of begging for mercy even though he knew he would get none, Snoke sneered and glared at him. Kylo couldn’t reply and the lack of oxygen began to take its toll. His eyes burned so bad and the pressure was building up so hard it felt like his eyes wanted to pop out of his skull. By reflex he grabbed his lightsaber and tried to turn it on to attack Snoke, to get him to loose control of the throat-grip, but to no avail. Snoke whisked it away  by a slight movement of two fingers in the air. Kylo could hear it land somewhere further away on the floor, but he couldn't see it.

 **“Ooh, you want to fight me now, boy? Is that it? Good. _Feed_ that anger in you! Feed it like a rabid, hungry wolf that has been denied food for weeks! you have to be more imaginative than that though if you want to hurt** ** _me_** **.. I** ** _see_** **_everything_** **, I** ** _feel everything_** **around me, I feel _every_ intent!”**

Snoke grinned evilly. So far he had no wish to kill the boy, he still held potential despite his current weakness. The Supreme Leader made a slight movement with his hand again and Kylo went flying once more and landed on his stomach on the onyx colored floor and gasped for air, hitting his chin in the process, which caused him to bite the inside of his lip so it bled. The young  Solo heaved and coughed several times over while Snoke merely stood there grinning and waiting to see what the boy would do next. He sensed his mind of course, felt the confusion, the lack of control of both mind and body.

 **“Feed  the** **_anger_ ** **boy!”** ****  
  
Snoke repeated and took half a step towards Kylo who still lay flat on his belly with his face close to the floor while getting the much needed oxygen back in his system through coughs and wheezes. His mouth tasted like iron from his own blood. When he heard his master speak, Kylo finally glanced behind him and met Snoke’s look with a look of disbelief of what his Master had just done. As soon as he did the Supreme Leader made a flash movement and landed on top of him, pinning him down to the floor.

 **“Do** **_not_ ** **give me a look asking for** **_pity_ ** **, my apprentice! Or perhaps you wish to know what it feels like to lose that last piece of** **_innocence_ ** **? That last piece in your _body_ that holds you back?  Perhaps you need to? Then I shall ** **_give it_ ** **to you!”**

As soon as Snoke finished speaking, he pinned Kylo down with his body weight even more as he snaked his left hand around Kylo’s neck, pinning one of his arms in between his arm and Kylo’s throat in the process, denying him the possibility to do much more than squirm. The right hand went to Kylo’s thick belt and in one single movement, he ripped at it until it opened, he came undone and tossed it aside as if it was nothing. His apprentice's panicked eyes followed it as it slid away on the black floor as he squirmed. Next he went for the them of the young Solo's black pants. Kylo's mind felt like it was hit with a sharp wave of needles, Snoke grinning at him the whole time.

At that moment, Kylo realized what Snoke was aiming do to him and began to squirm in panic beneath the much bigger man. The Supreme Leader laughed close to his ear as the pants tore as the button gave in, revealing a pale but well formed hip before he managed to pull them down further. Kylo tried to look around to find his lightsaber but he couldn't see it, couldn't call for it if it wasn't in view.  
  
“Supreme Leader don’t do this! _Please!_ ”

 **“Oh have we resided to** **_begging_ ** **now? The mighty Kylo Ren… begging? Now I think I** **_have to_ ** **do this!”**

Kylo tried to squirm free, tried to find some logical explanation to this sudden change of his Master. He managed to slip a hand free from Snoke's grip and tried to claw at his face as the only action he could actually make with the larger man on top of him. He earned a cold laugh in his ear before Snoke used the force to pin Kylo's arm down on the floor and pressed the young apprentice down against the floor even heavier than before by the help of his powers.

Kylo couldn't move, his cheek was pressed against the floor while his master's hand still rested around his throat, pinning one of his arms stuck in the process. Snoke re-positioned himself on top of him. Kylo heard a zipper which soon followed by an excruciating pain in his private parts, which caused him to scream out in pain when the monster on top of him filled him against his will. Somewhere in his mind he wished the guards in Red who stood around the room, would do something instead of standing there by the red walls, waiting, watching what Snoke did to him but he knew they wouldn’t. They were Snoke’s guards and unless Snoke needed help, they wouldn’t move. Kylo gasped for air through the pain while trying to fight against the force keeping him where he was, his ripped pants pulled down barely to the middle of his thighs, but enough for Snoke to gain access to what he aimed for.

Snoke’s hard member was somehow slick from the beginning, he wasn’t human, that many knew who had met him, but in regards to his anatomy nobody knew what he looked like. It seemed he wasn’t too far off from humans however considering it felt like a hard rod that impaled the boy. Kylo whined as Snoke pressed himself into him again filling him to more than he could handle both lengthwise and width. He felt himself tear, felt his blood trickle between his legs. The apprentice couldn’t move, wasn’t allowed to move, needed to get away! The pain kept on going along with his Master’s thrusts, Kylo found himself staring down at the black floor he was pinned against, watching the silhouette of his rapist above his own shadow.

Silent tears burned in the corners of his eyes and soon fell against his will, while he was rocked back and forth by the mere force of Snoke’s pounding. His Master was large, probably much larger than the average human by the feel of it. Not that Kylo had ever tried anything even close to sex, mostly due to lack of interest more than anything, but a mere glance here and there in the shared showers had  been there once or twice. Not that flaccid sizes mattered much to awakened ones but it didn’t matter much in the moment he was in now anyway.

Kylo grunted and nearly lost his breath when Snoke suddenly hit something inside of him which hit him like a spark of warmth in all this madness. He must have tensed somehow because the Supreme Leader laughed at the same moment he did. The thrust came back to that same point inside of him again, hitting the bundle of nerves inside that Kylo had yet to find out what it was, and yet again and Snoke earned a choked sob of a groan. It hurt so bad but at the same time it felt good even though he could almost smell the blood in the air from the forced entry.

Kylo closed his eyes, trying to will himself somewhere else instead of being in the moment he was in. Another choked grunt escaped him as Snoke yet again hit the same place inside. He wasn’t sure why but he himself had begun to get an erection as well which only felt more humiliating than this already was. This wasn't pleasant or even concented so why was he even getting aroused?!

 **“That’s right, my Apprentice,** **_give in_ ** **to it!”**

“Supreme ...Leader... please, _don’t_..!”

Kylo choked words were barely out due to Snoke’s hand on his throat arm pinned to his hands to his chest, the other still held down by the force of his Master but clenched into a hard fist. The feeling of being vulnerable and taken by his own will was growing in his chest, he couldn't do anything to stop it either. He felt ashamed and he was sure Snoke felt that too. The humiliation only got worse when he knew there were several people, guards, watching them but without as much as lifting a finger to stop it.

 **“** ** _Silence!_ ** **Feel it, give in to the hatred and the anger!”  
**  
"You're _hurting_ me... Master!"

 **"So _strike me down_ , boy! Use those powers of yours to stop me"**  
  
Snoke denied the boy to be able to speak or plead by the will of his mind, Kylo choked a bit and swallowed, clenching his jaws in the realization that he now could not speak, at least he could breathe. His squirming had calmed by now, he knew he couldn’t get away from Snoke’s grip unless the monster willed it. His hands still pinned down by the Supreme Leader’s arm, his mouth so close to Kylo’s ear that he could hear his breathes with ease, feel the warmth against his cheek while the thrusting inside of him continued. The tears however, kept escaping against his will. The feel of being stretched in ways his body shouldn't be was painful, he felt like a nobody, worthless, nothing more than garbage. So why did Snoke take him in in the first place? Kylo tried to  move again but he was pinned like a magnet to it's other half against the floor.

When Snoke moved a bit to place himself in a different position, he also moved Kylo up to hang in mid air with only his knees still on the ground and forcefully tilted forward to allow his Master good access. Snoke Stood on his left knee and his right foot on the floor behind the boy, still thrusting in and out of Kylo’s entrance while holding him up, virginity lost by force. Pleased grunts escaped his Master while tears of shame and frustratioin fell from Kylo's eyes and stained his cheeks. At least one of them enjoyed this and perhaps a little more than he should have, Kylo guessed, while pain and pleasure struck him by every filling thrust. The slickness between his legs was sickening. The feel reminded him of what a Rancor's tongue looked like in its drooling mouth, only this was hard and didn't feel like a tongue at all.

Snoke’s free right arm snaked in around Kylo’s hip and gripped his semi erect shaft and began to  move his hand in the pace of his thrusts. It didn’t take long before Kylo was fully erect, yet again against his will, he just wanted this moment to end! A sob escaped his lips again as Snoke pushed himself inside of the boy a bit harder than before. Kylo clenched his jaws and growled in pain, trying to just survive the moment with both his arms now pinned against his chest as if he was laying dead in a casket only, he wasn't... he was being raped by his Master.

The young Solo looked down at the floor where tears of pain and  suffering as well as tears of shame had fallen from this cheeks in random patterns of droplets, now showing small mirrors of what was happening above them. He closed his eyes again while trying to disconnect from the moment at hand.

  **“Oh** **_I don’t think so_ ** **Kylo! You will remain** **_here_ ** **, I will not let your mind to escape this lesson!”**  
  
Snoke laughed again and pushed deep inside the boy, earning a painful whimper followed by a choked groan when the spidery fingers kept rubbing young Solo’s manhood. Kylo was snapped back to reality hard with Snoke powering over his mind. The young Solo began to feel something build inside, he however knew what that was. He may be virgin to sexual acts by choice, but he wasn’t a stranger to his own hand. He tried to squirm again while choking an unwilling moan. Tried to get away from Snoke’s thrusts, away from his hand on his erection but all it served was a tighter hold around his body, so he could move less the second after.

Kylo breathed fast and light as if trying to avoid reaching the climax he knew was coming, fast light breathes only high up in his lungs while continuously trying to get someplace else in his mind. No matter where he tried to turn, his mind was snapped back to reality by Snoke’s mental blocks, keeping the boy in his cage through the rape and humiliation. Kylo’s body tensed where he hung, locked in Snoke’s grip around his throat and arms tight against his chest still held firm by the force as well. He began to feel dizzy through the pain and pleasure being mixed by hard thrusts in the right places and a hand teasing him, he didn’t want to come, he didn’t want to allow Snoke that pleasure of raping him until he came in pleasure. Those thoughts only earned a sinister snickering in his ear by his master and rapist.

  **“There is no denying it boy, you** **_will_ ** **get where I want you to go.”**  
  
Snoke murmured sadistically in the boy’s ear. The moment after, Kylo closed his eyes hard while trying to avoid the inevitable. _'no! No! NO! NO, PLEASE!'_  He screamed in his mind. The boy stopped breathing for a moment as he felt the build up rise in his body while Snoke pounded him from behind. In a frustrated scream of both pleasure and shame, Kylo came hard by the hand that rubbed him against his will, staining the floor beneath him by each pump of Snoke’s hand.

He had hoped Snoke would be done then, but he was wrong. The hand continued to pump him as well as the Supreme Leader’s shaft kept drilling him hard. Kylo being slick between his cheeks by both blood and what seemed might be Snoke’s own slickness of whatever genitalia he had hidden in his robes only seemed to serve Snoke more by tensing and coming against his will, feeling his Master's sadistic pleasure of taking what he wanted, from whom he wanted.

Kylo tried to beg his master to stop by asking over and over in his mind since he was denied speech, but the Supreme Leader kept on going, earning another buildup within Kylo after a while. The young Solo had broken a sweat by now, hair sticking to his forehead while the rape continued on, he hung his head in defeat in his Master's grip. The pleasure point was hit again and again, Snoke clearly knowing what he was doing when Kylo found himself hard once more while slight choked moans of unwilled pleasure teased his body. _‘Please stop, please, please stop!’_ He pleaded in his mind but Snoke would have none of it. Instead he upped the pace and went even deeper than before and increased the speed his hand was teasing Kylo’s now over sensitive shaft. It hurt beyond belief, he felt himself tear even more by each thrust that filled him to the brim and more, the teasing of his own shaft was torment in itself since he had already reached his peak. Tears of shame ran down his cheeks freely now. He gasped for air between choked groans. This time it was different however, Snoke was different. His breathes had increased and he grunted slightly in the boy’s ear by each violent thrust.

Kylo felt himself build up to another climax that he wasn't even sure he could get to completely, he was sure his Master knew it and he wouldn't let him not come. He could sense the wicked grin on his rapist’s face at this realization. Kylo tried to squirm away from the situation again but yet again to no avail,he was stuck in the exact position that the Supreme Leader wanted him in, his mind burned hot like he stood in the middle of hell's fires and felt as heavy as a sun on his shoulders. The pressure built up, he tried to stop himself from coming which he knew was to no good this time either. Snoke thrusted hard and fast into his now very slick entrance, the hand held a snake like tight grip around Kylo’s erect shaft while pumping him, the same moment the boy stopped breathing and tensed his entire body. Snoke upped the pace as fast as he was able to with humans while still milking Kylo’s shaft just because he could. The torment of oversensitive genitalia was not to be forgotten when it came to sadistically pleasurable torture.

Kylo let out a heart crushing scream when the second orgasm hit him so hard he saw stars at the corners of his eyes and gasped for air over and over while tears stained the floor beneath him along with his own blood and semen. A few thrusts later and Snoke himself shivered. His body tensed around Kylo as the rapist trembled around him by mere pleasure of dominating someone so vigorously with the will of his mind. With the last thrust so deep into Kylo’s opening as he could, he came hard while still milking the boy's own genitalia. Kylo felt his insides getting warmer in pulses while Snoke kept himself well inside of him, he clearly let out more seed than most humans did, that much was clear by what it felt like. Kylo was milked of his last drop before Snoke finally let his manhood go.

  **“** ** _Good boy_** **, Kylo… The seed of darkness will grow inside you now. It will feed and get stronger.”**

Snoke said calmly in his ear as if he had made a job well done. Kylo whimpered and hung his head. His mind flashed and flickered heavily. Snoke didn't seem to be out of breath what so ever by this, what kind of monster was he that called Kylo his apprentice? He wasn’t sure what Snoke spoke of about this dark seed thing, at the moment he didn't want to think about it either. Either way, this moment would be with him  for the rest of his life. Humiliated, spent and raped on the floor of his Master with several guards watching without moving. He clenched his jaws at the same moment he felt Snoke pull himself off of him and pulled his pants up for him, and let the the boy fall to the floor, releasing him from the mind and body control. The shame burned hot on Kylo's cheeks as well as chest but the deed was done and he'd never be able to forget it. The red guards still hadn't moved an inch from where they stood, but the fact they had watched it all without interfering didn't make things better, he _hated_ them!

Kylo remained on the floor when Snoke rose to a stand, corrected his robes from lying down on the floor and walked back to his throne, leaving Kylo where he was on the floor as if nothing had happened than perhaps a slap on the cheek. The boy clenched his fists and clenched his jaws again, glaring at the floor and his own silhouette over the stains of his own climax along with teardrops laying just by his face. Snoke had no right to do this, no right whatsoever! Kylo swallowed as the anger slowly bubbled up inside of him but he kept it in control. This was not over, not by a long shot!

  **“You may leave now, Kylo, the lesson is over for today…”**

Snoke said nonchalantly to him and sat down on his throne. Slowly Kylo began to move where he lay. His body ached by every move he made, gripping the torn parts of his pants to hold them together and cover himself as he slowly and painfully rose to a stand but with great effort, trying to cover himself up as good as he could with what he had, thankfully the tunic reached to the middle of his thighs and hid most of it. He picked his belt and helmet up from the floor and slowly put it back on and corrected the cloak to hide his body as good as it could possibly get with trembling fingers while feeling the burning eyes of Snoke on him.

Kylo slowly walked awkwardly towards the door with tears falling down his cheeks behind the mask, his entire body ached. He didn't say as much as a word when he reached the door, Snoke called back to him however which caused him to stop.

**“I think you forgot something…”**

Kylo turned just in time to flick his hand up and catch his lightsaber when it came flying towards him by Snoke’s control. He caught it and gave his Master a glare inside his helmet that could kill, but said nothing.  Snoke  could probably feel the anger in him anyway. He turned and left without as much as a snort. Snoke grinned, had the boy stayed long enough he'd seen the blood and semen fade from view on the black floors of Snoke's chamber. The seed of hatred had begun to spread already. The hatred of being humiliated, the hatred of being treated unjust, the hatred of being forced upon… The hatred, of not being able to defend yourself.

The darkness within would spread, infect his mind and it would infect him entirely, feed the mind with anger and the want to revenge, feed the seed darkness until it bloomed. Should Kylo ever become as strong as to actually do any damage to Snoke, he would be a worthy successor, until then... The supreme Leader would have his fun with this rough diamond. He grinned wickedly to himself on his throne.

 This was  _Perfect._

 

 

 


	2. Pain and confusion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo leaned his hands on the shower wall in front of him and broke down completely with only his own company before he slowly sunk down to his knees on the shower floor. Not until he leaned his head on the wet wall next to his hands did he let himself break down completely, both by pain, shock and realization of what had really been done to him by Snoke. Tears were mixed up with shower water while sobs barely escaped the sound of the streaming water.
> 
> (Part 2 of "Seed of Darkness") SPOILERS FROM LAST JEDI IN CHAPTER 2, chapter 1 is safe :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS SPOILERS OF LAST JEDI! BE AWARE!!
> 
> Couldn't help my muse, she screamed at me to write another chapter and I think I have a third one on the go as well... not sure how this happened though o.O No smut in here but quite a bit of angst :3 
> 
> I just kinda wanted to get this second chapter out here for you. It's not beta read either due to beta being away (if someone's up for it, please tell me! <3 )

 

 

 

The pain was excruciatingly bad as he made his way through the corridors to reach his chambers. He was more than thankful for the mask hiding his tear stained face at the moment while passing people in the corridors. He doubted his posture was holding up however but nobody seemed to want to ask if he did fail with it.

Kylo leaned a hand against the wall now and again while making his way to where he needed to go. He needed to go to medical bay but first, he seriously needed a shower or five. He took a thankful trembling breath when he realized the elevator was empty. He wished to the gods it would remain so until he had to get off on his floor. He pushed the right button then leaned against the wall of the elevator, fighting the urge to just fall down to his side and crawl into fetal position and just not move anymore. This pain was more than he had ever felt before, it felt like his inside was ripped apart by the mere lighting hit from Snoke's hands alone, not to mention tossed around like a ragdoll. It felt like his insides were pulled into a knot and put on the fire at the same time. A loud defeated sob escaped him, he cursed himself and his tears as well as weakness. Had he not been weak in Snoke's eyes... this wouldn't have happened at all, right?

Kylo glanced up towards the elevator board, two stories left. He took a deep breath, swallowed and steeled himself to rise to a full stand, well, as good as he could anyway. He made sure he held up the torn pieces of his pants well enough so it wouldn’t show in case his cloak would move as he walked past someone in the corridors. The only people he saw were maintain workers, some stood up straight when he walked past, others didn’t notice him thankfully.

Kylo turned a corner and placed his hand on the opening pad and the door instantly slid open for him. He got inside, the door shut behind him and he exhaled a trembling breath while trying to ease his inner turmoil. At the same time he got inside, his hands reached up and clicked the locking mechanism on his helmet, it opened and he took it off, throwing it into the nearest wall as hard as he could along with a frustrated scream. This... inner pain, this inner torment, would it ever end? right now it felt worse than ever before.

His knees wanted to bend but if he allowed himself to fall down now, he wasn’t sure he’d be able to get back up. Angrily he wiped the almost-tears away from his face with a glove that got disregarded along with the other. He made his way to the private showers the best he could despite the pain he was in, hos body felt overloaded in the pain-centra completely, the mere willpower kept him still standing. Far from all quarters had private showers but since he had become Snoke’s apprentice, he had thankfully gotten a place with one in. He'd hate to go to public showers feeling this way, not to mention showing his weakness for others more than he possibly already had  getting his way to his quarters.

A trembling hand reached out and turned the water on as hot as he could muster. Kylo swallowed hard and slowly began to undress. The belt fell heavily to the floor along with his lightsaber. Trembling hands undid hidden buttons of his vest and let it fall to the floor as well. Slowly he pulled his black undershirt over his head and tossed it in the same pile before he unwillingly removed his pants and underwear along with boots and socks. He felt dirty, used and weak. None of the feelings he enjoyed.

It was hard to even stand up straight due to the pain, every little movement hurt. He willed himself to get into the shower and as soon as the hot water streamed down his head and back he took a deep breath almost gasping for air. It felt like he had been under the surface all the way from Snoke's chambers until now. Kylo leaned his hands on the wall in front of him and tearlessly broke down completely without being able to stop himself doing so. He had only his own company to seek comfort in before he slowly sunk down to his knees on the shower floor. He had never felt this alone and abandoned before, felt so used.

Not until he leaned his head on the wet wall next to his hands, did he let himself break down, both by pain, shock and realization of what had really been done to him. His tearless sobs barely escaped the sound of the streaming water, he wanted to cry he just, couldn't for some reason. His hair clung to his cheeks and neck as the water rushed over him. Kylo’s chest burned with anxiety, shame and inferiority towards what had been done to him by Snoke. Never in his life had he ever imagined getting abused by his Master, not like this at least. Luke, his former master was a traitor as well but not like this, not at all like this. Kylo felt like some toy to be played with and he didn't like that feeling at all! If anything he felt nauseous and sick.

The young Solo wasn’t sure how long he'd sat in the shower when he opened his eyes again, an hour? two?  He swallowed hard and realized he probably needed to go to the medical bay for a check up even though he didn't want to and especially not because of this. He really didn’t feel like wanting to go there and get examined at all, but for his own good he needed to, his chest still burned from the blast not to mention from being hit against the wall as well as being pinned down on the floor with Snoke on top of him. What excuse would you come up with for the injuries he had anyway? _Oh, my master just got pissed off because I'm not dark and evil enough, no biggie?_  No, first he needed to get cleaned up as good as he could, get as much of the abuse out of him as he could.

The young Solo grabbed his shower soap and sponge and began scrubbing himself down inch by inch in somewhat of a panic. He just wanted to get all of Snoke off of him! Kylo wasn’t sure how long he was scrubbing and cleaning himself in all places possible to try and get Snoke out of his system and skin, but his skin was eventually red and angry by the use of the sponge for so long on the same places. 

He hesitated a moment, but he forced himself to reach down to feel if he had any injuries or not, tearing was indeed felt as well as blood trickling. He touched his opening with trembling fingers while holding his breath.

Nothing.

Not a single tear down there, everything was like it should be, no evidence of forced entry, nothing. The realization hit him hard. _Mindgames_. He had gone right into Snoke's trap and he didn't even realize it! _DAMN IT!_ Kylo cursed under his breath and hit the shower wall so hard that a small crack appeared. The frustration bubbled in him. All he wanted was to be accepted for who he was, not to be played with as a damned toy! Had his grandfather been alive he would have had someone to truly connect to, to look up to that was better than Snoke! Han wasn’t much of a father, Leia saw him like the boy he had once been even though she aimed for him to be a force-wielder against his wishes… Luke? Luke was a traitor and by far the worst of them all. Kylo growled in frustration and threw the shampoo bottle hard against the shower wall. The lid cracked and as it landed, it spilled some of the musky scented liquid on the wet shower floor. He didn’t care.

He got up to standing with slight effort and made sure all shampoo was gone from his hair before he turned the water off, he steeled himself again and took a slow breath to steady both body and mind. A hand reached out for a black towel, putting it against his face for a few seconds before he dried his body. When he was  done, he wrapped the towel around his waist. He reached for another smaller towel and dried his hair with it as good as it could get with a towel and hung it back up on the towel rack. As long as he stood still the pain in his chest wasn't that bad anymore but as soon as he moved it reminded him of everything that happened a few hours ago. He'd rather enjoy watching others pinned against walls and flooring instead of himself.

When Kylo glanced at the clothes he’d discarded on the floor, he stopped in motion and got a sick feeling in his stomach again, it grew, making him want to throw up. The tear in his pants was evidence that Snoke had really played him, mind-raped him, literally. The burning feeling of guilt crawled back to his chest again, he  got a sour taste in his mouth. He grabbed his clothes and threw them in the trash can right away. He didn’t want to see that particular clothing again even though he had several like them in his closet.

After a while he had managed to get himself well enough in his mind's panic and dressed enough to be able to get to the medical bay. He put his helmet on to cover his face then swallowed the still lingering sour taste in his mouth before he exited his quarters with effort as well as focus to walk the halls as if everything was like it should be. Straight back, self confident steps, don’t show the pain in his chest.

_You can do this, Kylo._

The walk to the medical bay felt like an eternity, thankfully there was only one nurse there who seemed to be cleaning some small medical equipment on the table. She looked up at him and blinked before she straightened up and bowed gently towards him. Before she could react more, he made a slight hand movement.  
_  
__“You will give me a private room with a medical droid and lock the medical bay for cleaning for thirty minutes.”_

She blinked as a glazed look came over her.  
  
_“I will give you a private room with a medical droid and lock the medical bay for cleaning for thirty minutes.”_

She blinked again and came back to herself and showed him a private room and instructed one of the small round hovering stitching droids to accompany Kylo into the room along with the medical droid who carried bandades, tape,  stitching needles and ointments and a lot of other things that might be needed in general, and turned around and walked over to the great doors and locked them without a word and began cleaning even though it wasn’t really her job but the cleaning droids´. Her job was to discard of things that were used, the cleaning droids  were to take care of floor sweeping and  whatever else might need a touch up.

Kylo swallowed uncomfortably and clenched his jaws before he closed the door to the medical room and locked it behind him. He turned back to the droids, clenched his jaws and slowly exhaled a breath he hadn't been aware he was holding. He instructed the droids on what to do and what to check and told them to do a medical scan on his abdomen as well as his chest, then taking care of his injuries in that area. 25 minutes later he was wearing a bandage around his chest due to broken ribs, given pain medication and given painkillers by the droid with the medical kits in. He clenched his jaws again when the nurse looked up at him when he came out of the medical room again. He made a slight hand movement again before she had the chance to react about the fact he came from an examination room and not through the front doors.

_“I have just arrived and need my face injury stitched up and unlock the doors to the medical bay”_

She blinked with a blank stare again, processing the order given to her by using the force on her.  
  
_“You have just arrived and need your face injury stitched up and I will unlock the doors to the medical bay_ …. Please, Sir. Sit down on this chair and I shall instruct the droids to stitch you up. Please remove your helmet and I will be with you in a moment.”

She motioned to a chair, he walked over there and sat down carefully and waited until she was finished. It hurt to sit but thankfully not as much as it did before the droids had taken care of it all. He clenched his jaws and fists and took a deep breath to focus and to make that burning, sickening feeling in his chest go away for a moment. Then, he removed his helmet and placed it on the table next to him, only giving the nurse a stone face with no emotion to read.

The nurse carefully took the metallic medical tape off his wound that had been caused by Rey, that damned scavenger. Hell of a woman but still, a scavenger, a nobody. The nurse finished and the stitching robot began to stitch up the scarred tissue that was left from Rey’s lucky strike with Luke’s old lightsaber. It had to be a lucky stroke she wasn't trained in the force. Kylo almost flinched when the stitching robot began, he caught himself. He was better than that. Compared to the actual strike with the lightsaber, a bit of pinching here and there from a medical droid was nothing.

Kylo ended up dwelling in his own mind, lost in thought and possibly also lost in the slight drowsiness of the painkillers when he suddenly sensed a wave, like a drop falling into water, making soft ripples from afar. You couldn’t see the ripples yet but you could feel them the way  you could feel a snowflake landing on your hand without looking at it. You knew it was there, you felt it but you never got to see it before it melted away.

He straightened his back and looked around as if expecting to hear the ripple effect. It came again almost like a soft touch and sound of a heart beat, low, distinct but it was there. He lifted his hand and gently moved the working medical droid away from his cheek where it was nearly finished with it’s work. It complied and hovered away.

The moment after, the air became more dense and smelled of water, heavy air full of rain. He blinked, another pulse, another heart beat, another drop falling into the water making ripples, closer this time. He inhaled. The moment after he looked straight in the eyes of… _Rey?_ The both of them blinked and probably looked just as shocked as the other.

The girl was the one first to react and grabbed her blaster, clicked the safety off and aimed at him. Kylo had no chance to react more than inhaling in shock, cursing himself for not being fast enough! The blaster shot at him and hit its mark. The pain stung badly when it hit his chest, causing him to jump a bit by the jolt of pain the energy ray gave off, growling at the same time when he moved in a way he shouldn't with broken ribs. He gasped a few times in shock and looked up at her. Unbelievable! She disappeared but the connection was there, the air was vibrating between them.

Kylo got off the medical chair as well as he could without causing harm to his medical  issues and got out in the corridors of the Star-killer base and slid to a halt in the middle of it and looked to the left. nothing. He inhaled a trembling breath and swung around again, this time standing eye to eye with the girl again. Kylo glanced around the base corridor then let his eyes fall on Rey again. He quickly reached out his hand towards her.

_“You will bring Luke Skywalker to me!”_

She looked at him as if she didn’t understand him at all. Clearly his powers didn’t work on whatever this was, Kylo reflected when she didn't even react by the use of the force like last time when she'd been locked in an interrogation chair. She wasn’t trained in the force. She couldn’t be the one doing this?

“You’re not the one doing this… the effort would kill you….”

He realized and frowned an eyebrow, trying to understand all this. Something was going on but it was neither of their doing, but why? He let his arm fall to his side again

“Can you see my surroundings?”

He asked calmly, looking at her quietly wondering if she was a mirage or not. If she wasn’t, who was doing this to  him? Snoke? Luke? someone else? It didn't make any sense.

“You’re gonna _pay_ for what you did!”

She spat at him, but seemed just as confused as he felt.

“... I can’t see yours? Just you… alone…”

She frowned at him. He felt completely lost in all this. Was this real at all or was it simply a mind trick?  He looked confused while his mind raced through several possible explanations on what was going on, but came up with nothing.

“... This is something else…”

He said softly, trying to think , speaking mostly to himself but loud enough for her to hear his words. It was clear none of them knew what was going on by the look on her face. Kylo heard some kind of sound coming from around her surroundings, and could only guess it was someone around her. He blinked and the moment faded again as if she had never been there in the corridors of the Star-killer base. The soft pulse of heartbeats connecting, disappeared and the thickness in the air around him slowly calmed down again. The sounds around him returned to the normal base sounds. Was he getting mad? Was this someone playing him? He looked around but his golden brown eyes saw nothing out of the ordinary.

This was strange indeed.

 


	3. Realization

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You are a monster!”
> 
> She spat. Kylo couldn’t help but feel a tinge of hurt at the words but he kept it close to his heart and didn’t reveal that in his expression. She wanted him to be a monster? She wanted to hate him? Fine, then perhaps he could be. Her anger could possibly be used to turn her to the dark side and perhaps then, he could get to know her more. He desired to know her more. They exchanged looks, no one hesitating or breaking eye contact. It felt like magnets being drawn to each other and yet they resisted.
> 
> “... Yes, I am.”
> 
> She almost looked disappointed at his reply, why? Had she hoped he would argue with what her thoughts of him were? No. She had made up her mind so why would he bother doing so? It would be a waste of time if anything. He still couldn’t help but feeling the twinge of disappointment however. He had the desire to get to know her more, why didn’t she feel the same? Everything she had heard about him were probably lies or twisted truths of deeds he had done to justify his course of action. 
> 
> (Smut getting closer! :P )

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS FROM LAST JEDI   
> DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVEN'T WATCHED THE MOVIE YET!!!
> 
> This is basically just their meetings when the force connects them, but I added my own feelings and reactions to them, hoping to do them justice, along with other things too of course ^^;;
> 
> This however, will lead up to smut in either the next chapter, or the one after that... we'll see :3
> 
> And, yes, still not beta-read :(

 

****

 

 

Several days had passed, he was healing and thank God for pain killers. He had healed well enough to not need them now and the droids had made a very well done job even though the inner scars remained. Thankfully he hadn’t been called to Snoke to talk to him for a few days either but made sure he was updated on what was going on. He knew his schedule well enough to go about his day. Possibly did Snoke let him roam in his own angst or he was awaiting to feel the anger bubbling up in his pupil? Kylo wasn’t sure but at the moment he wasn’t too keen to find out either.

He had finished his tasks for the day and found himself watching the building and fixing of damaged ships in the hangar bay from behind a thick layer of glass. The welders’ glistening fire rained down like a waterfall  of hot sparks while Kylo watched them, deep in thought. For the time being his inner turmoil was  calmer than before but his mind  however, worked like never before. The thoughts of being connected to the young girl who actually managed to overpower him without having any schooling in the force was quite interesting. She was a hell of a woman that one, but he wouldn’t say that out loud to anyone of course. She was resistance, he was First order. You didn’t mix oil and  water. One or the other would eventually win.

Then, there it was… that ripple effect in the force. He frowned bt the smell of sea water and swung around on his heels at the same time he felt that same distant heartbeat coming closer. Kylo blinked and stood eye to eye with Rey. He blinked and couldn’t help but frown.

“... Why is the force connecting us?... You and I..”

She blinked and stared at him. The confusion in her eyes soon turned to stone when she realized they were connected again.

“Murderous _snake_!”

Kylo blinked and clenched his jaws at the same time his shoulders dropped.

“You’re too late! You lost! I found Skywalker!”

She spat at him. He hesitated. The thought of Skywalker and what he had done to him, trying to murder him as a young teen when Kylo was training under him to learn how to wield the force. He watched her, watched the despise crawling all over her. The young girl who knew how to wield the force even before she got a teacher. He couldn’t help but feel the hurt inside by the betrayal of his Uncle.

“... Did he tell you what happened?”

She hesitated. Kylo took a few steps towards her, seeing his chance to perhaps being able to redeem himself a little in her eyes.

“The night I destroyed his temple… did he tell you why?”

The glare flared up in her eyes again, was it hatred or something else? She despised him that was for sure though.

“I know everything I need to know about you! 

She spat at him.

“You do?” 

He asked and stepped yet a little closer, looking at her features. She was beautiful, full of inner strength that wasn’t too common in women. Sure there were strong leaders like Phasma, but that wasn’t the same. She was given command, she wasn’t wild at heart like Rey was, untamed and raw. Kylo looked into her eyes a bit deeper.

“...aah you do… You have that look in your eyes, from the forest…”

Kylo let the events replay in his mind while watching her face change from anger to confusion then back to despise again.

“You called me a monster…”

“You  _ are _ a monster!”

She spat. Kylo couldn’t help but feel a tinge of hurt at the words but he kept it close to his heart and didn’t reveal that in his expression. She wanted him to be a monster? She wanted to hate him? Fine, then perhaps he could be. Her anger could possibly be used to turn her to the dark side and perhaps then, he could get to know her more. He desired to know her more. They exchanged looks, no one hesitating or breaking eye contact. It felt like magnets being drawn to each other and yet they resisted.

“... Yes, I am."

She almost looked disappointed at his reply, why? Had she hoped he would argue with what her thoughts of him were? No. She had made up her mind so why would he bother doing so? It would be a waste of time if anything. He still couldn’t help but feeling the twinge of disappointment however. He had the desire to get to know her more, why didn’t she feel the same? Everything she had heard about him were probably lies or twisted truths of deeds he had done to justify his course of action. Kylo had conviction of what he wanted and that was power. He wanted to be strong like his grandfather, that didn’t necessarily meant he was bad or evil. He just had another approach to it all compared to others.

The image of Rey faded again but not before the clashing of waves were heard. Kylo suddenly felt a splash of cold water on his cheeks. It wasn’t much but enough to react to it. He furrowed his eyes and reached up with his right, gloved hand to touch his cheek and wiped his glove over it. Water, it was water? It hadn’t  been an imagination. Strange. The force hadn’t done this before, not like this. This was new.

The question remained however. Why was the force connecting them? There had to be a reason but what? He clenched his hand into a first. If he only knew where she was! Not to mention if he only knew where Luke Skywalker was so he could kill him once and for all for the betrayal done to him. They needed that damned map!

  
  


**~*~**

 

The talk with Master Luke hadn’t given her as much as she wanted,it had just resulted in them talking about Kylo and why Luke was such a failure as a master because he felt weakness for a moment. Everybody did, even legends. At least she was learning to feel the force and connect to it that was more than something.

Rey had just finished working out with her staff that ended up being a lightsaber workout which eventually killed a rock formation which in turn had killed a wagon with whatever the natives to the Island was carrying in it. She was more than sure that they didn’t like her even though she didn’t quite understand their language. Anything she touched seemed to break in some way and it turned out it was up to them to fix it. 

She was frustrated. She wanted to find her place in all this and why would someone like her get the force? She wasn’t anyone special, far from it. Her minds drifted back to Kylo Ren again and what Master Luke had told her about the night the Jedi temple burned. Kylo had killed anyone that wouldn’t follow him but had gotten a hand full of students with him. The Knights of Ren, leaving Luke alone in thoughts he had died when Kylo’s room had collapsed over his master, thinking he didn’t make it. How could you even do that to anyone? And more than that, how could you kill your own father? Your own flesh and blood! No matter what she did she just couldn’t get her head around it.

Suddenly it felt like the air around her rippled and pulled. It wasn’t the wind that much she knew. It felt like a light pull, like when a sudden chill comer over you and the hair on your arms stand up. It  came in deep soft heartbeats - like before. Rey stopped just as the feeling came so close she thought she’d see the ripples in the air, then. There it was… the presence.

“...I’d rather not do this now”

She muttered and clenched her jaws and gripped her staff weapon a bit harder. She wanted to be alone with her thoughts.

“Yeah… me too…”   
  
The voice of Kylo Ren sounded a bit strained and perhaps even caught off guard? She cursed mentally, might as well ask  when the connection was here again. It was clearly something neither of them had any power over when it would happen and not.

“Why did you hate your father?”

She looked up at him and lost her words into a whisper. Shirtless. He was shirtless and glistening in sweat, muscular and well formed.. and sweaty, body glimmering in the lighting of wherever he was… the enemy, the killer. Rey suddenly felt very embarrassed for staring at his well formed body and forced herself to look down at the ground by her feet. The wounds from the fight in the forest with him were still very visible, both on his shoulder where she’d hit the point of the lightsaber as well as the direct hit from his chest all the way up to his cheek that had made him fall to the ground. Secretly she was thankful that the ground had split in half then and there but she’d never tell that to anyone.

“...Do you have something, Like a cowl or something to put on?”

She glanced up at him. He had turned, of course he’d turned to show of those pecks of his, that sixpack that disappeared below his waistline of his black pants. She swallowed and steeled herself to continue. This was the bad man with a mask! The bad man, the evil man that had dug deep into her mind and taken her captive on his ship! Why did he have to be so damned good looking and for that matter, shirtless?! He didn’t move. The bastard just stood there as if he showed his body off on purpose, was he? Or was it one of those mind games again? Well  _ Shit _ , fine… go with it then. She looked up at him again and repeated herself.   
  
“ Why did you hate your father? Give me an honest answer!”

He came closer. That look in his eyes. It wasn’t allowed to be that soft, he was a monster she knew it! He killed his father you had to be a monster to do that, right? Her pulse picked up at the thought of actually having a father that cared, he killed his. It wasn’t fair!

“You had a father who  _ loved _ you, who gave a damn about you!”

  
She mentally cursed. Her own grief of the father figure she never had and the death of Han Solo clung hard at her chest, pained her so bad her eyes stung and became tearful against her will.

“I didn’t hate him.”

Kylo replied softly as if it was a matter of fact he had just given her. It made her angry, pissed her off that he could be so cold despite being so damned attractive with his shirt off.

“Then  _ Why _ !”

She scowled at him, tears now falling against her will. The pain she felt inside for the late Han Solo mixed with her anger towards Kylo bottled her up. The upset feelings had to vent somewhere so they came out in tears.

“Why what? Why what?...Say it.”

Damned those eyes, the daring of saying something she didn’t want to put in her mouth, those eyes felt like he dared her to put blame on her, he wanted her to, just like everybody else that weren’t First Order. It felt like he looked into her soul when their eyes connected. There was a hint of feelings underneath that beautiful stone face of his. She cried for his loss of a father she never had the pleasure of knowing. She swallowed.

“Why did you….. Why did you kill him?”

She sobbed openly, her anger turned into hurt while she watched him, waiting for the answer she longed for, or perhaps getting an answer she didn't dare to hear? She wasn’t sure. She felt so conflicted.

“I don’t understand..”   
  
She added.

“No, your parent threw you away like garbage”

“They  _ didn’t _ !”

Kylo said calmly but with a soft voice. Was that pity? or was he mocking her in a soft voice?

“They did…”

His eyes turned harder but yet, not cold.

“...but you can’t stop  _ needing _ them. It’s your greatest weakness, looking for them everywhere. In Han Solo, now in Skywalker…”

His eyes softened again. No one had ever truly spoken to her this way, telling her her own truths? She swallowed as another tear of frustration escaped her eyes in the moonlight.

“Did he tell you what happened that night?”

His soft voice along with those dark curls and glistening chest frustrated her.

“ **_Yes!_ ** ”

She spat at him. Kylo studied her calmly. Those tears were beautiful in that moonlight, that fire in her was deafening and beautiful. It made him wonder if she was cold to the touch or as hot as the inner core of a planet. He guessed the later. She was one hell  of a woman and that couldn’t be said enough times. To dare to stand in front of someone you clearly hated and ask him straight out what his problem was? That took courage.. She was stronger than him in so many ways but that thought he’d keep deep down inside. He wouldn’t even acknowledge that to himself.

“No…”

He replied softly in reply. Had Luke told her the real story she wouldn’t have been angry at him, she would have been angry and disappointed at Luke for betraying his student, trying to kill a young teenager for having too much power inside. Kylo hadn’t even chosen a side back then, he was too young and too inexperienced. If anything, it was Luke’s actions that had created the person he was now. That feeling of betrayal by your own blood, your own uncle. It wasn’t fair, not at all. 

“Liar..”

Rey said quietly but unsure of herself and what to believe, who told the truth? Luke or Kylo? For a moment, a glimmer of sadness appeared in his eyes, a look of hurt. Kylo looked like a young hurt boy that tried to escape his own pain. 

He walked closer to her, looking her directly in the eyes without even blinking, looking deep into her soul in a way. A look of determination appeared and yet, when he spoke it was like velvet against skin.

“Let the past die,  _ kill it _ if you have to… it’s the only way to become who you were meant to be.”

The advice wasn’t too far off, Rey suddenly understood what Kylo was trying to do. He was trying to bury his past, bury his hurt and the agony of being abandoned in a way. In times when he needed his parents the most. When he needed his family, they weren’t there. That’s not really the actions of an evil man, that’s the action of a hurt boy who’s trying to survive in a cruel world. Rey met his eyes with realization of where he was coming from, what he meant and what he was trying to tell her but without telling her his life story.

The connection broke and the image of Kylo slowly faded and left only the island’s mountaintops against a dark horison to look at. Even though Kylo didn’t realize it, he had shared a lot more than he perhaps had intended with those few words. 

She felt him. She felt  _ for _ him. She exhaled a trembling breath.

“Oooh what are you doing Rey…”

She mumbled to herself, trying to get the image of a sweaty Ben Solo out of her mind. She knew what she had to do, she had to get to that black hole in the ground that kept calling her, whispering to her to go there.

Kylo on the other hand, glanced around his chambers to make sure the connection was broken a few times over before he dared to undress to head to the showers. He’d worked out (by pure frustration) in his living area for about two hours. He had earned the sweat pearls resting on his body. He’d much rather have clothes on the next time this connection of the force happened, but he needed to take a shower and badly so. At least he wasn’t ashamed of his body, not whatsoever. It was because she seemed to be so disturbed by him being shirtless he hadn’t reached out to get a shirt on, all in good spite.


	4. Touch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He blinked. She watched him with hesitation before she slowly reached out a hand towards him, a peace offering? A test to see if he was real and not a mirage? He wasn’t sure. Kylo swallowed and hesitated as well. Should he really do this? Touch hands with the enemy? Touch hands with a woman who had been obsessing his thoughts? The woman he needed to kill along with Luke to kill off the Jedi lineage.
> 
> He watched her, she was afraid he wouldn’t accept. If they touched hands, who would know? There was nobody around, only them. If he was to touch, he wanted to touch her skin. slowly he removed his right hand’s glove before he slowly reached for her hand, watching her eyes while he did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SPOILERS OF LAST JEDI INSIDE, DO NOT READ unless you've seen the movie or accept spoilers!
> 
> More feelings than actual... well, you have to read! ... hopefully it brings more burning desire for another chapter in my readers? -bats eyelashes-
> 
> And no, not beta-read -.- Beta is on LOA due to life :\

 

 

He couldn’t get her out of his head. She had hesitated so clearly before she had called Kylo a liar when he told her what had happened the night Luke’s temple had burned. Those soft eyes full of doubt as well as something else he couldn’t fully put his finger on. It wasn’t fear, it was softer than pity and it surely wasn’t anger. Rey had haunted his dreams that night but it wasn’t the same as seeing her with his own eyes, unless it was a mirage of course, he still wasn’t sure about that. The blaster she’d shot him with earlier hadn’t really made any damage more than a warm stinging sensation in his stomach where it hit, but no injury was seen anywhere from it, he double checked.

Just the mere thought of her eyes made him want to daydream in a way he hadn’t done before but he had forced himself to put those thoughts aside while doing his work. Kylo had just finished his evening meal when the sudden pull in the force tickled the back of his mind. Was it going to happen again? He reached out with his powers, sensing it, tasting the ripples. It felt like a soft wave wanting to caress the beach by its touch. The rippling heartbeats began again, the pull of two magnets wanting to get closer to each other as if it was meant to be, damned be what lay in between. Then, there it was, the presence of the wild heart. _Her_.

Kylo turned around slowly and looked at her. She sat down, most likely by a fireplace, judging by the flickering light on her face. She was wet, had she taken a bath? Or had she possibly fallen in the water he could feel the scent of? Kylo couldn’t help but feel his heart pick up a bit more just by the mere sight of her but he collected his thoughts and put them back in the mental box where he had stumbled upon them.

“... I feel so lost.”  
  
She spoke softly, eyes begging for guidance he wasn’t sure he could give her. He swallowed and looked at her where she sat, huddled in a blanket. By the judge of things it was probably his later guess of her falling in the water without planning it that had occurred, but he didn’t ask. It wasn’t important.

“Why?”

He asked just as calm and reached out for a small pouf in his room and placed it in front of her and sunk down on it. He tilted his head, studying her. She seemed to hesitate. The anger and despise of him seemed a bit less than before.

“I don’t know what I’m doing… I mean… I feel everything as soon as I close my eyes, I just have a hard time getting it, this force thing.”

She looked so small, this strong, fierce woman. Why did she look so small when he knew she was so strong? It seemed like she was struggling with herself more than the actual powers.

“You will get it eventually. Rey, you seem to be born with this, it’s always been with you like a comforting shadow. I’m sure you’ve always known it’s there… an arm’s length away. All you’ve had to do was reach out and grab hold of it, bend it to your will.”

She looked down at the fire she seemed to have on her side. It was hard to tell when all he saw was her and her alone. What wasn’t hard to understand, was the confusion. It seemed that Luke had taken on a student after all? The old man who hadn’t taken up a single student since Kylo had destroyed his temple as far as he knew.

“... I thought I’d find answers here…”

She said thoughtfully. Kylo watched her, letting her speak. At least she wasn’t yelling at him or calling him either a murderous snake or a monster. She looked sincere this time. He wasn’t sure what had changed in her or how her mind worked but she was astounding that much he knew.

“I’ve never felt so alone…”

She said quietly. She looked so vulnerable, the kind of girl you’d just want to wrap your arms around and tell her everything would be alright. Not that he’d ever suggest something like that, not with her. She was a warrior like him no matter if she knew it or not.

“.. You’re not alone.”

Kylo replied softly. Golden brown eyes watching her every movement, every facial expression, every shift in her eyes. He swallowed. He looked at him, right at him. Was she trembling too?

“... Neither are you.”

She said, he blinked. For a moment there he hoped she would be his savior, his salvation from the pain inside. The constant pain, always tearing his insides apart. He had hoped that killing his father would have helped but it didn’t change anything. If any, it got worse. The hunger to belong somewhere, to be accepted as an equal instead of inferior was clawing at him. He couldn’t help it, anyone would want to feel that sense of belonging no matter what side of the line you stood.

“It’s too late for me, I’m already lost to the dark, no one can save me.”

He said quietly, studying her. The doubt in him crawled, he wasn’t sure it was true those words he just said. He wanted them to be, didn’t he? He had chosen a path a long time ago, Snoke had taken care of him back then when he’d left Luke’s temple with a hand full of his fellow students, they who later became the Knights of Ren. He had already followed the dark path, was it even a return in that? So many deaths he had caused already. Only rebel scum of course, he had killed in the name of the First Order, following Snoke's orders, yet, here he sat eye to eye with a rebel - talking.

“It isn’t too late…”

She said softly. Something inside of him longed for those words but he wasn’t sure he dared to believe it. Han Solo had asked him to come home that night, the last night they’d met… the night Kylo had killed him, his father. He hadn’t been much of a father to begin with, ever absent, always flying off somewhere with his ship, getting busy with things to get a reason not to return. He wasn’t a bad father once he was there, but still, something to be missed and be hurt  by when he didn’t show up for birthdays or sent any messages because he was off drunk at a bar somewhere, hassling, playing cards or loosing to yet another person wanting his head. The old man was witty though but he hadn’t foreseen his death by his own son’s hands. On the other hand, who would?

He blinked. She watched him with hesitation before she slowly reached out a hand towards him, a peace offering? A test to see if he was real and not a mirage? He wasn’t sure. Kylo swallowed and hesitated as well. Should he really do this? Touch hands with the enemy? Touch hands with a woman who had been obsessing his thoughts? The woman he needed to kill along with Luke to kill off the Jedi lineage.

He watched her, she was afraid he wouldn’t accept. If they touched hands, who would know? There was nobody around, only them. If he was to touch, he wanted to touch her skin. slowly he removed his right hand’s glove before he slowly reached for her hand, watching her eyes while he did.

Did she have a heart beating fast too? Did she have trembling breaths as well? He swallowed. What if they couldn’t touch and their hands would just pass through each other? Then there it was, the warmth of her skin against his. She was _warm_.

He blinked and froze in motion when parts of her memories suddenly rushed over him. He saw a young girl, perhaps no more than four or five years old being sold to a scavenger as a slave for drinking money. He heard her panicked screams when she saw the ship leave without her while she herself was being dragged by a fat creature to her new called home. He felt her tears as if they were his own. The terror mixed with sorrow of a family lost tore inside of him. Her family abandoned her for drinking money that wouldn’t even be enough for tomorrow’s need for more drinks. The feeling of being abandoned and left alone he recognized. He had parents yes, in a way he was a prince with a heavy legacy to live up to. Grandchild of Darth Vader, child of Leia Organa and nephew to the great legend Luke Skywalker who somehow managed to turn his Grandfather from the dark side right before his last breath was drawn.

Han had objected like the Solo he is.. or, was. Leia had tried to convince Luke to take him in to begin with but the loss of his parents didn’t feel less because they were alive. Leia had promised him everything would be good, everything would be fine as long as he learned to use the power of the force with Luke’s teachings. But it wasn’t the longing for power that had made him feel abandoned back then, it was the lack of parents, the lack of feeling loved and important in his parents’ life. He had been tossed aside to learn something he wasn’t too keen on learning at the beginning, he had just wanted to be Ben, young ben who lived happily with a mother and a father who loved him. Rey had been denied all of that since she was sold, just as he was when he was taken into Luke’s Temple. The grand Luke Skywalker who tried to kill his own nephew in fear of what he may become… What a legend he was.

The vision faded and they both blinked. She was crying? He clenched his jaws somewhat but didn’t remove his hand from hers. Her touch felt like hope, it felt real. A lot more real than what many other things had felt like lately. Kylo’s heart fluttered in his chest, his breath was trembling, same as hers.

Kylo reveled in the feeling of her hand. It felt almost erotic in a way even though the touch was feather light. It felt like she was firing up parts of his system he thought had been dead for years, a sort of longing clawed at his chest, wanting more, _needing_ more. It  felt like an electric charge that became more and more powered up the longer the touch remained, by the look of her, she felt it too. Felt the same desire of wanting, of _needing_ the other. It scared him to the depth of the abyss and back this… _desire_ he had never felt before, who was she to manage to do this to him? The inner turmoil he usually carried was gone, it had disappeared the same second they touched. The inner feeling of standing in the pits of hell had shifted as if he stood in cool water in the rain, pooling down on that burning fire.

He wanted to close her eyes and revel more in the feelings she gave him, but he didn’t dare look away or she might have vanished again. The fact that his desire was on all edges at once didn’t make things easier. The desire of wanting to kiss her was there, but he didn’t dare to move.

Another tear fell from her eyes. She didn’t look sad though, it looked like she too had gotten that inner spark. Was her need on fire as well? Did she feel the same desire as he did? Kylo reached out with his gloved hand and gently placed it against her cheek, wiping it away with his thumb, looking into her beautiful hazel eyes, soft pools he could just drown in. Kylo quietly drew for a breath, she did as well. She didn't deny him the touch, it seemed more like she hoped he would touch her. He felt her pulse in his fingertips, heard the trembling breath that matched his own. 

Suddenly, a sharp ripple came from his right, he pulled his hand back from her face and leaned back where he sat. The only thing still touching her were his fingertips of his glove free hand. The second later he heard Luke’s voice screaming Stop, then, Kylo sat on his own in his chambers with his hand out in the air but without Ray touching him back.

He sat still, breathing, trembling full of desire of a woman he could never have, she was a rebel, she had to die.. didn't she? A woman who was making him feel both weak and strong at the same time, how was this even possible? Kylo inhaled slow and deep before he pulled his hand back from the now empty air, looking at his fingertips as if he could still see Rey's touch on them. The tear still on his glove. He moved his gloved hand up to his cheek and let her tear stain his cheek where his own tears would have been, had he cried. Slowly he closed his hand as well as his eyes, reveling in the feelings she had given him. For the first time in a very long time, he felt alive and the pain inside felt a bit more dull than before. This was something he needed to hide from Snoke and very much so. He'd need to put all the mental walls he could, up, to prevent others from reading into it.

 


	5. Desire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She smiled and gently nipped at his skin by the hem of his underwear, kissing his stomach before flicking a teasing tongue out to taste his skin. He watched her as she teasingly took the hem of his underwear in her hands, bending her fingertips to lay between the fabric and his skin. He couldn’t help but let a soft,warm trembling breath out while watching her. Those eyes, those hauntingly beautiful eyes of hers. She mesmerized him beyond any compare he knew of.
> 
> He was rock hard just by thinking of her this way, seeing it was even more maddening. His mind was on fire, his body as well. Slowly, she lifted the hem of his underwear while keeping eye contact with him the whole time. She smiled again as his member was released of its prison of fabric.

 

 

_Her hands trembled as they touched bare skin, her touch was soft as the ocean breze as they slowly moved over his chest and wellformed abdomen, kisses traced where her hands had been while those hazel eyes watched his golden brown ones. He felt uplifted by the mere touch of her._

_She smiled and gently nipped at his skin by the hem of his underwear, kissing his stomach before flicking a teasing tongue out to taste his skin. He watched her as she teasingly took the hem of his underwear in her hands, bending her fingertips to lay between the fabric and his skin. He couldn’t help but let a soft,warm trembling breath out while watching her. Those eyes, those hauntingly beautiful eyes of hers. She mesmerized him beyond any compare he knew of._

_He was rock hard just by thinking of her this way, seeing it was even more maddening. His mind was on fire, his body as well. Slowly, she lifted the hem of his underwear while keeping eye contact with him the whole time. She smiled again as his member was released of its prison of fabric._

_His golden brown eyes watched her from where he lay with his head on his pillow, the beating of his heart was so fast it felt like it would rip open his chest if he dared to inhale too deep. He trembled, watching her tease him, allowing her to._

_Slowly she opened her mouth and lightly flicked his member while a teasing smile played on her lips, in return he bobbed against her mouth by the light touch of her tongue. Another slow inhale, never breaking eye contact, watching her movements between his legs. He swallowed as he watched her sink her face lower, opening her mouth to take him in. The moment her mouth touched his length, he couldn’t help but moan and close his eyes for a brief moment, pressing the back of his head against his pillow. His heart fluttered, his body trembled underneath her._

_Slowly she let her mouth slide down on his shaft only to suck her way  back up again. He couldn’t help but to let out a moan of desire and need. Slowly he reached down with his hand to meet her beautiful mouth, letting her move faster, wanting her to move faster. He inhaled deeply while grabbing hold of the sheets with his free hand, feeling the tension is his abdomen, feeling the pull of arousal crawling just beneath his skin. She moved faster over his manhood, taking as much as she could of him, into her mouth, the rest she held with her hand and followed her movements with her mouth in perfect harmony. She flicked her tongue over the top of his shaft, causing him to let out another soft moan as he turned his head to the side, grabbing the pillow from the underside to meet his cheek with the pillow in between._

_His breathing picked up as dark eyelashes kept fanning out over his cheeks in the darkness of his chambers, inhaling her scent of the ocean. He trembled for her, because of her. Her mouth teased him, her tongue along with it, sucking and licking just the right way to driving him slightly mad with desire. The sension became stronger as he came closer and closer to the climax he wished for. He licked his lips absently, somewhat moving the covers away from the one leg that had still been covered by it so it fell to the side of his body._

_She picked up even more, moved along his shaft as if she wanted to milk him. He breathed fast and hard by now, trying not to squirm too much even though his hips fought to want to thrust into her mouth as deep as he could. He was so close, he could feel it, his body tingling all over, spots beginning to form at the outer corners of his vision even though he had his eyes closed. He held his breath, letting her work his member the way she saw fit._

_She must have felt him being close. She licked the top of him, teasing him before she delved into it again, sucking him fast while bobbing her head up and down his crotch. A last deep inhale was caught before he for a moment, forgot how to breathe as the climax of complete pleasure overtook his senses._

Kylo came down hard where he lay on his back, staining his entire chest with the pulses of his seed. He almost whispered her name while his hand worked his own member as long as he could, milking himself to the hot dreams of his needing heart, desiring her more than he dared to realize as of yet.

The mere thought of her, the scavenger, the rebel… Rey. Kylo remained in a half dream state once the pulses of his groin had died down. Not until then did he slowly open his eyes to look around his empty chambers. He’d created a mess of himself by the strongest of dreams but he’d let himself revel in that feeling for a moment longer, just a little longer before he’d have to close his mind down again and lock that desire so far down in the deepest pit of his mind that he’d barely be able to find it again. He wanted her so bad, wished for her to be his, but Snoke would sense anything, even desire and the wish to breed as he would call it. No, he had to keep Rey protected from him, had to keep her off his mind when Snoke was close. Rey was his and his alone to dream about. Had Snoke known he would probably have worked this against him already, thankfully that hadn’t happened.

“ _Shit_ ….”

Kylo muttered in the dark This was not the way it was supposed to go. She was a rebel! She had to die, not to be fucked or desired! … why did everything have to be so complicated…?


	6. Thoughts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Different places, different thoughts - the same longing in secret.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Drifting a bit from the movies now since I feel I've gotten the "feel" out there from what they may be thinking during said scenes of choice I added :3

 

 

Rey had questioned Luke whether he had tried to murder Ben when he was his student. It had taken quite a bit to make him confess, but he had confessed. It all seemed to be a misunderstanding that had dire consequences. She had seen something in him, seen something in the monster Kylo which Luke had created.

She sat on one of the far end cliffs on the island just to get a distance between her and Luke. Why was he so set on wanting to kill the Jedis? The world needed them, it needed the balance. Luke had made it before, ending so many years of war when he managed to turn his father to the light side before he passed. Why couldn’t she be the one to save Kylo, to find Ben underneath that mask he carried?

She had to think, she had to make up her mind on certain things but the vision she had seen was clear. He would turn and he would not bow to Snoke, evil personified. He was like the snake in the garden of Evil, how could Ben even be there willingly? She didn’t get it. Or perhaps he was so clouded by Snoke that he couldn’t think straight? A shadow clouding his mind to the point he didn’t know what was right and wrong anymore? No matter, she felt the good in him. Rey could feel his inner conflict and when they touched hands she just felt it stronger than before.

The fact he had chosen to take his glove off before he touched her hand had to mean something. Even though it was small, she felt a small glimmer of trust right there. Kylo was dark and vengeful while the glimmer of light in him, the Ben in him was still good and full of remorse for deeds already done. Rey rested an arm over her pulled up knees and let the other elbow rest on a knee as she sat there, deep in thought while nibbling on her thumb. There had to be a way to reach him, to make him crawl out of that dark shell of his.

One step she figured, Snoke had to loosen the grip of his mind. Who knew when that had started? she didn’t even know when Snoke had known about Ben to begin with, the vision hadn’t told her that, only that he had good in him and that he eventually would stand up to Snoke, the question was when that would happen? She needed to help him somehow, she needed to reach out to him in ways he’d understand but perhaps in ways he didn’t expect.

Ben was a warrior, or, the Kylo part of him was anyway. How did you get past that to find the man behind the mask he carried, helmet or not? There had to be a way. Rey couldn’t help but almost long for the next meeting they would have, whenever that would be. It seemed none of them was able to predict when it would happen or how. It was beyond their control.

Ben was like the fire she’d never tasted. The sun over the ocean instead of hot, dry sand. Somehow she felt drawn to him even though he was the enemy. Was that even allowed? Would the rebels say she was crazy if she said she could make him turn and that she had seen it through visions while touching hands? What would Leia say? With her it could go either way but it was after all, her son.

Rey removed some strands of hair that had gotten stuck in the corner of her mouth in the soft breeze of the island. Could she stop the war by turning Ben back from the darkness? She needed more time with these connections in the force, she needed to learn more of who Ben was, needed to understand his inner thoughts and feelings. He had a long way ahead of her when it came to the force, at the same time she wasn’t bound by the rules of the teachings yet, which made her unpredictable. That was both a strength and a weakness in it self. How did you bring down a warrior from a burning throne?

 

**~*~**

 

Kylo had kept on working on how to get hold of the BB-unit that still held the part of the map that was missing from their systems. Hux had of course been all snarky and had pointed out several times that it had been Kylo’s choice to leave the map when he’d gotten hold of the girl and that it had been his fault she had escaped. The guard’s weak mind apparently had nothing to do with it since he was the one guarding her, not Kylo.

Today was an awful day and it had been ever since he woke up. It had been several days since his dream as well as the last meeting through the force, which in turn had made his thoughts calm a bit when it came to her. He had other things to focus his mind with, especially when Hux was the way he was - an ass. The ginger might think he hid the smirks and the eye-rolls well enough but Kylo did see them, he just chose not to take action for the time being. It did frustrate him however. Had he known Snoke were in both their heads while making sure they felt the competition between each other kept on track, he would have decided not to care, alas, this was not the case.

Today, Snoke had requested him to come to his chambers for an update on said BB-unit as well as the girl, Kylo guessed. It didn’t make things better on this rotten day. Snoke was the person he least wanted to meet but at the same time, he was his Master in the force and he was the Supreme Leader of Starkiller-Base and over the First Order.

Kylo wanted to drag his feet, didn’t want to go to said meeting but he had no choice, he knew that. It was bad enough that Snoke had appeared on the deck giving Hux the yelling of his life along as an actual injury by astral projection alone. Kylo could do without and gladly so.

His steps echoed through the black corridors of The finalizer as he approached the dreaded meeting, a sensation he wasn’t sure he could hide or not but he was surely trying. The elevator dinged, he got in and stared at the door until it was time to get off again. He steeled his mind and hoped Snoke would be in a good mood today.

As usual, the Supreme Leader sat in his chair in the middle of the room when Ren approached him, walking half way towards him before kneeling down on the floor, eyeing it instead of meeting eyes with the man in the golden robes.

**“Ah, Kylo Ren. You have been busy lately, have you not?”**

“I have, Supreme Leader”

He answered, clenching his jaws, still being irritated on Hux among other things. He rested his arm on his knee, still eyeing the black floors in the chambers.

**“Have you gotten any news on the BB-unit or the Girl’s whereabouts? We** **_need_ ** **that map.”**

Snoke asked and rested one of his arms on the armrest of the throne of his own design. The Pectoral guards standing around him, then of them all dressed in red armor.

“We have a lead, Supreme Leader”

Kylo said short and clear, there was no need to ramble excuses as to why it hadn’t been found yet and why _the girl_ wasn’t located.

“We just need a bit of time, we will get them, Supreme Leader.”

Snoke leaned forward and watched Vader’s grandson with his cold eyes as if he saw right through the boy, leaving him uncomfortable on the floor. The scar across Snoke’s skull made a deep dark shadow which only made him look monstrous to look at, the knowledge of knowing he was even worse when it came to the mental images of his power didn’t make it better. The memories of the last visit in these chambers made Kylo feel sick to his stomach, made him nauseous and slightly light headed. He tried to suppress it by the best of his abilities.

**“** **_Is that so,_ ** **Ren?”**

Kylo nodded quietly, clenching his jaws as his stomach made a jolt. He fought the want to heave by swallowing the burning lump of shame as good as he could. It made him angry but he kept it in control even as Snoke stared at him, studying him like an animal in a cage. It infuriated him to even feel that way, like he was worth nothing but trash.

**“Well then... I suggest you up the pace of looking for them. I want the girl** **_brought to me_ ** **once she is found, and kill Skywalker as soon as you can. It will be the final challenge in your teachings… Now go.”**

The Jedi-killer, bowed his head and rose while bowing. He didn’t see the smirk on Snoke’s face while watching him as he turned around and left. The snake had found its way into the garden of eden and it would stay among the apples and bite when it had a clear shot.

Kylo walked out and forced himself to stay still and not rush away from the elevator once it was on the floor he had chosen. He wanted to find ‘the girl’ but he wasn’t sure he wanted to bring her to Snoke, as it seemed now, he had no choice but to do so, not to lose his master’s trust. He felt stuck in a trap where it hurt no matter where he turned.

He clenched his jaws and clenched his hands to fists while walking down the corridor, he needed to breathe, to take some time alone somewhere. This damned place felt too small despite the hugeness of the ship. Kylo felt the anger bubbling in him, felt it rise inside until his fist suddenly met the wall with a loud bang, hitting it over and over in pure rage as the metal eventually caved in, buckling under his strength. He growled as the anger rose. He needed to get out of here for a while.

Kylo stormed off towards his ship, grabbing supplies from the storage as he went, cursing in his mind and glared at anyone who dared to get too close. He spat at a worker to prepare his ship for takeoff as he put the supply bag in the ship behind the seat. He went back to his chambers and tossed some things in a black duffelbag and returned again to a ship that was indeed ready for takeoff.

“Sir, how long will you be gone?”

A guard asked, Kylo glared at the man.

“I’m not sure… I have some things to do and I will have to take the time needed to get it fixed.”

He replied sourly. The guard didn’t question him further but gave a respectful nod as the heir of Vader got into the ship and started it up as easily as breathing. The guard did his job since there were no reports of Kylo leaving the base, might as well leave a ‘note’ to say he’d be back. Hopefully Snoke would take it as he’d fix things himself and hopefully earn favours against Hux clear win with whatever Snoke had mean with ‘having them on a string’. Kylo hadn’t bothered to ask.

He took off and checked for planets close enough that he could land on that was air friendly and would allow him to land and just breathe for a while. Takodana seemed to be the closest one, a lush green planet with breathable air, lakes and forests. All he had to do was land somewhere far away from any civilization and he could be alone for a while to just… breathe.


	7. Inner turmoil

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Still not beta read :(
> 
> If you feel up to the task of being my Beta, please wave in the comments or something! <3
> 
> I thought this chapter was longer that it is though... bummer ><

 

 

Kylo had landed on the far end of Takodana, far away from Mas Tanata’s castle, he didn’t feel like wanting to be close to that battlefield again if he could help it. The forest here was green and lush and the little stream he had landed by was fresh and drinkable.

A camp had been set up, a very small camp, but still somewhere to live for a few days while he thought things through. A tarp hung from the side of the ship in a diagonal angle. It gave him somewhere to sit if it would rain if he didn’t feel like sitting in the cockpit. It worked somewhat to sleep in the chair if he pulled the seat back, but it was more comfortable to actually sleep on the ground under a few blankets instead. The air was warm and humid enough to allow that so why not enjoy it a little.

With a flick of his hand, Kylo had started a small fire to sit by for a while and put a tea kettle on. His thoughts wandered to Rey while thoughtfully hoping the force would connect them again, at the same time he didn’t want to. She affected him more than he wanted to admit, at the same time he still longed for her. She soothed his burning insides like a soft breeze on sunburned skin. He took out a small metal ring not bigger than the inside of your palm and pushed a small button. A small hologram of Darth Vader appeared, he watched it silently for a while.

“Grandfather… did you have any doubts too… How did you solve them to become stronger? How did you keep to the dark side..?”  
  
Kylo sighed. He knew a hologram wouldn’t answer his questions but it still felt safe to have a part of his grandfather with him, his idol. He wanted a new order to the galaxy, one ruler to rule all the systems under the same laws. It would bring peace in so many ways. Why couldn’t the rebels see that? The First Order tried to do good things, to make things work out for the best for all of them. And Rey, would she understand this too? … The rebel who needed to die along with Skywalker.

Kylo didn’t have any problems at the thought of killing Skywalker, that deceiving bastard wanted to kill him first, Kylo would just return the favor and kill him first. Simple as that. He closed the small hologram holder and held it hard in his hand. His golden brown eyes fell to the flames of the fire as he gritted his teeth. He should have made sure Luke was dead when the building had collapsed over him that night when Kylo burned his temple. It had been sloppy of him not to do that the first time. Next time he wouldn’t do the same mistake he would make sure of it.

The pull to the light side, it tore him apart. He wanted to be strong like his grandfather, finish the vision he had and become a legend like he was. So why was the pull to the light so tempting? Snoke had called him a child in a mask and that he was no Vader even though his blood ran in his veins. Kylo clenched his jaws, holding the hologram device hard in his hand. He wanted to become stronger, needed to become stronger. He had to prove to Snoke he could do better but… did that have to mean he had to kill Rey?

Kylo inhaled a deep sigh on the fallen tree he was sitting on and leaned his elbows on his knees and his face in his hands. Why didn’t he want to kill her anyway? She nearly cut him in half with a lucky strike (according to him). His black gloves traced over the scar on his cheek. Despite the medical droids’ handy work, it would still leave an ugly scar all the way down on his chest. Even if he would kill her, he would still not get rid of her. He would see her every day he looked into a mirror and saw the scar. In its own bizzare way, he would still have a part of her with him forever.

His mind burned like a raging fire and stung as bad as getting bitten by a Blisterbug. His mind surely felt as pressed as the allergic reaction would be swollen of it’s bite. Kylo cursed silently under his breath and yet again leaned his head against his now fisted hands. Cursed be this torment! It was eating him up from the inside and he didn’t know how to stop it, it was indeed tearing him apart. He felt more  broken now than he had done ever before. He wanted to be sick, to throw up just to ease this burning sickening feeling out of his system, but it was like his body didn’t remember how. He wanted to cry all his sins away but he couldn’t remember how to form tears of the questions his mind wouldn’t form loud enough for his denial to whither down its defenses. His heart burned with pain, his pulse raced and his chest felt so tight it was hard to breathe.

There it was. The _breeze_ … the _desert ocean._ The pulse, the breath in a water too deep, the calm in the storm. The ripples in the air. He didn’t dare to look up from hiding his face in his hands, the fisted palms resting against his forehead to hide his pained expression even to himself, while leaning his elbows on his knees still.

“... _Ben?_ ”

Such a soft voice she had, it was and yet so strong it could blow hell’s fires out with a single word.

“Are you alright?”

 


	8. The wind to my flame

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Frustrations are running high it seems :P Connections too ;)
> 
> Not beta-read, sorry :(

 

 

 

Kylo instantly rose from the log he was sitting at and swung around on his heels with a deep inhale of both a moment of cursing as well as frustration. He closed his eyes and exhaled slowly to try and get back in control of his mood and anger bubbling inside.

“It’s nothing…”  
  
He said quietly through clenched jaws and unclenched his gloved fists in an attempt to get back in control. He glanced at the left corner of his eyes as if to see what he heard when she moved behind him but not far enough to actually see her. Soft steps coming closer. _Shit_. He really didn’t want to do this, not now, not when he was like this. He clenched his jaws and took another forced deep breath through his nose.

“Ben…”  
  
She was closer, much closer. His heart ached but not the same way as before, no, it _longed_. Rey walked closer still while watching his back. The conflict in him was evident, the torment of his soul could almost be tasted in the air. She looked at his arm, so close she could touch him. She hesitated for a moment before she slowly reached out towards him. She swallowed and closed her eyes for a moment. Please work, please let the touch be real as it was before.

A gentle hand placed itself by his elbow but he didn’t turn to look at her. He trembled but he wasn’t sure if it was because of the conflict in his heart or if it was her actual touch that made him vibrate. It was agony as much as it was a pleasure to feel her touch that he had longed for so badly for so long, longer than he wanted to admit to himself.

“Ben, tell me… what’s wrong?”

He slightly shook his head, not really wanting to talk about it.

“It’s _nothing_ … I said it’s nothing.”

He repeated, slight frustration was heard in his voice but it didn't seem to worry her at all. Rey rose an eyebrow and gently tugged at his arm.

“There is quite a lot going on inside you for it to be nothing, Ben. I feel the conflict in you without even trying to...”  
  
Kylo clenched his jaws and turned around as if to say something out of anger, but the second they met eyes, the anger calmed down inside. Her eyes, those hazel eyes he could just drown in several times over without even attempting to be rescued should someone ask if he needed help.

“I can’t talk about it..”

“Try?...”

Try? She wanted him to try, what? Tell her he felt both weak and strong when close to her? That the inner fire that slowly made him burn out from the inside out was softened by her breeze of a presence? That Snoke wanted her to be killed or that he had orders to take her to him if he ever found her in person? No. He couldn’t tell her any of this, not straight up anyway.

“It’s complicated…”

He muttered under his breath, still reveling in the soft touch of his arm. Rey took another step around him to stand face to face with him, her hand moved along her steps, tracing his forearm. She searched his eyes.

“Ben… let me help you, I can help you.”

He bit his lower lip and said nothing, but couldn’t help but to glance down at her hand on his arm. The raging, scourging fire inside of him calmed down moment by moment she was with her. Kylo took her hand and interlaced her fingers with his while watching their hands almost as if he was afraid of meeting her eyes. He knew she was looking at his face, he felt her eyes on him.

“... I’m being torn apart from the inside…”

He said quietly. Rey moved her hand a bit while looking at his face, pulling his glove from his hand before she interlaced their hands again. The touch skin to skin was electrifying both healing and tearing at the same time, Kylo couldn’t help but open his lips slightly to let a quiet, slow breath out while watching their hands connecting like threads in a tapestry, fitting perfectly together. It was like her touch gave him meaning, their energies made his skin tingle and his heart beat in ways it didn’t know it could before then. He swallowed, trying to focus while all these strange sensations went through his system. He fought not to let out a staggering exhale by the mere feel of her touch he wanted more but he didn't allow himself that. He focused on the question at hand instead, trying to ignore the rest.

“I have devoted everything I have to the dark side..”  
  
“You can still turn back, Ben… it’s _not_ too late, it’s _never_ too late, you don’t belong there..”

His eyes searched hers as he closed his mouth, clenching his jaws in the process. He almost wanted to believe her, almost wished she was right even though he knew it wasn’t. He was a lost cause by now, Snoke had made that clear and to be honest he wasn’t sure how to be free of Snoke except killing him, but how did you kill someone who was aware of your intentions even before you got into the room?

“You make it sound so simple…”  
  
“It _is_...”

He sighed and let his eyes fall to their interlocked hands again, letting his thumb lightly run over her skin. Something about her made him feel calmer. She was like the perfect band-aid to an infected wound.

“No, it’s _not_ that simple, Rey...I wish it was, but it’s not. I wish you could see that.”

The teakettle he had forgotten began to whistle when the water boiled, startling them both. It completely ruining the moment to their frustration without words. Kylo turned back towards the fire and reluctantly let her hand go and moved to take it away from the fire.

“What’s that sound?”  
  
She asked as he bent down and took the kettle with his still gloved hand before he took that glove off as well, putting them on the ground beside the log he had been sitting on. Clearly some sounds got through this connection of the force, but not everything it seemed.

“Tea”  
  
He replied quietly.

“Tea?”  
  
She asked, sounding surprised. He straightened back up and turned around to look at her with a light nod.

“Yes, tea.”  
  
Rey furrowed her eyebrows a bit, thinking back to their previous meetings, he never mentioned having a tea kettle on the floor of his room?

“You.. drink tea?”

She asked, realizing it was a stupid question she blurted out without thinking. Everybody drank something, didn’t they? She scrambled her brain and quickly tried to cover her first silly question with another, trying not to be too obvious about it.

“...so… Where are you anyway?”  
  
She asked curiously since she couldn’t see his surroundings just as little as he could see hers from what it appeared. Kylo hesitated, should he even tell her where he was? Did it matter? He was alone here anyway and on the wilder side of the planet where he could be alone.

“Takodana currently… the wilder side of it, away from civilization.”

She furrowed her eyebrows in surprise but was thankful he seemed to ignore her stupid remark.  
  
“Takodana? ...Why?”

Kylo reached over to his backpack and fished out two cups, why had he even packed two? He was alone here and she was only a... a mirage? What was she anyway, she was here and yet not at the same time. Or perhaps he had hoped she would appear again and that's why he had brought two cups without even thinking about it, maybe it worked to give things from one place to the other? They had yet to try that.

“I needed to think… so I left the Finalizer for a while.”

Rey hesitated, nibbling her lower lip a bit while he seemed to fiddle with something in a bag, that one she could actually see, possibly because it was close to him and in his hands? She wasn’t sure. This Force thing was so confusing, for both of them what it seemed.

“...you’re.. alone?”  
  
He nodded quietly and poured some hot water in one of the cups which was now filled with tea leafs native to Alderaan due to seeds being found on other planets through merchants. His heart still pounded in his chest just to be near her, but the worst of the inner turmoil had calmed down enough for him to at least manage it.

“Yes…”  
  
Kylo glanced back to Rey by looking over his shoulder before turning towards her, holding the cup with both hands, it was clearly hot by the way he was holding it around the upper rim of it. He glanced down at it then hesitated a bit before he looked back at Rey.

“... Do you think it works to bring objects over this connection too?”  
  
Rey shrugged a bit but took two steps closer to him.

“I don’t know? I still don’t even understand how this even works…”  
  
Kylo changed his grip on the tea cup to hold it in one hand before he offered it to her. Rey looked at it, then searched his eyes. He looked sincere. Absently she licked her lips and couldn’t help but glance down at his well formed lips as well before her gaze yet again fell on the tea cup. She slowly reached out towards it with both hands.

Carefully she placed her hands against his fingertips. A soft jolt of power surged through him by the touch, it was like she was sparking a long dead battery back to life by everything she did. Their eyes met again as fingertips touched the cup as well as his fingers. Her exhale seemed trembling, just as his was but neither said anything about it. A moment later Kylo pulled his hand away from the cup, which remained in her hand. He bit the inside of his lip and glanced up at her from the cup.

“Guess it works then?”

Rey nodded quietly. Kylo’s reply was instead to turn around and make himself a cup of tea as well. Rey inhaled the smell of the yellow and white flowers along with dark green leaves in the cup. She furrowed an eyebrow.

“What kind of tea is this? I don’t recognize the scent?”

“... It’s.. native to Alderaan, my mother’s home planet. It was destroyed but some flora still lives thanks to the merchants and traveler bringing seeds to other planets. This is the petals from the Starflower plant. Very hard to get hold of now days though.”

“And yet.. _you_ have some?”

She asked and inhaled the scent again, it was sweet and flowery, it reminded her of what meadows of flowers sounded like when people told her about them. She had yet to see them. Deserts like Jakku barely had any flowers at all and the Island with Luke had more grass and mountains than anything.

“I know where to get certain things from certain people...This tea is however very rare now.”

He said quietly and sunk down on the log he’d sat by before, now holding his own cup of tea. He blew a little on the surface of it, rippling the hot water while making the petals dance in his cup. He took a careful sip while looking into the fire that still roamed the logs he’d cut when he had arrived.

Rey watched him and the soft shimmering of light across his figure. She was pretty sure he sat by a fireplace of some kind especially considering he just made tea. She sunk down on a rock on the island she was at that fitted perfectly to sit on beside him. Kylo took another drink of his tea, Rey looked at hers. He chose to drink tea from flowers that came from his mother’s home planet? Was he sentimental or was it just a coincidence? Why would someone go to what seemed to be a lot of trouble just to get some tea leafs? She brought it closer to her lips and took a careful sip.

The taste was amazing! It tasted like really sweet flowers, it wasn’t too far off from the taste of jasmin and red clover but sweeter, more flowery she thought. She took another sip and closed her eyes savoring the taste before she swallowed. When she opened her eyes again, Kylo was watching her, she instantly felt embarrassed and let her eyes fall down to the ground.

“It...it’s good.”

Kylo simply nodded at her remark. She glanced up at him again, he was still looking at her, was that almost a smile playing at the corner of his lips? She hid the embarrassment by taking another sip of the tea. This was not what she had ever expected in her wildest dreams. Drinking tea… with one of the First Order’s strongest men. Was this heresy? If it was, was it really if nobody knew about it but the two of them?

Their eyes met again as if they both had the same thought at the same time. Rey inhaled and licked her lips as if to say something but she wasn’t sure what words to use so, she exhaled again and remained silent. Kylo just seemed to study her with his golden brown eyes. No one had ever looked at her like that before, as if she had purpose and meaning. All she knew was to scavenge for parts in old ruins and old ships to get by day by day. It had been her life since she was four. And then, a little white and orange ball of a robot came by and changed it all, big time.

  



	9. When worlds collide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not beta-read, sorry.. Beta is on LOA.
> 
> It will also be a bit of a cliffhanger for a few days, getting visits and I can't write smut (well I could but..eh... it would be complicated :P ) when I should be social annoyingly enough! Hopefully I will have the next chapter up in about a week or so, should my muse still want to write! I hope she does :3

 

  


 

 

He made her warm inside, should he? Was that even allowed? Rey didn’t know how he did it, but she did feel something else than the force had come alive inside of her, a _connection_. So far she couldn’t put words to the feelings she had other than hope but perhaps she didn’t need to know them by words, not yet anyway. She was drawn to him like an insect to a flame, and yet everybody claimed there was no light in him, it didn’t make sense. The more she got to know him, the more he just seemed like... a man, not a monster to be afraid of.

He moved and placed the now empty tea cup on the forest floor in front of him, brushing past her with his arm as he leaned down. They were so close and yet so far away. It was so strange. Nothing made sense and yet everything felt alright when they were connected. Rey glanced at his arm again as he sat back up from bending down and couldn’t help but just “accidentally” move her arm a bit further towards him so they ended up sitting next to each other with their arms touching. He glanced to her side, to her arm but he didn't remove his.

“Ben…”

He looked up at her expecting a question, had his eyes always glimmered that much? they looked like gold in the sun by the flickering from the fire. He searched for her soul with those eyes, had he done that before too? She inhaled slowly before continuing, looking down at her teacup in her hands.

“It’s clear you love your family… so why are you running from them?”  
  
Kylo’s eyes suddenly looked sad before they fell to the ground again. He clenched his jaws as a darker expression slowly appeared. This was clearly a touchy subject she realized but the question was out and he hadn't out right said he didn't want to talk about it.

“Your family… that’s your weakness, isn’t it? You still love them, that’s why you won’t turn to the dark side, not really… You love them, you loved your father too...”

He clenched his hands in his lap and stared at the fire in front of him without a word.

“No, I don’t love them… I just said I don’t hate them, I don’t hate him… didn’t, hate him.”

He corrected himself and mentally cursed for the mistake of wording, he was sure she picked up on that rather quickly too, he steeled himself mentally. Kylo couldn’t help but bite the inside of his cheek. He didn’t want to talk about his parents, his heritage or anything of that kind and yet, she seemed to be pulled there every time they met. Perhaps not too strange since she never had any family to begin with, considering they threw her away like garbage - not too unlike himself in a way.

“You said before… kill your past if you have to. I’m not sure who told you that, but it’s wrong.”

“ _The supreme leader is wise_ ”   
  
He interrupted her almost as if it was automatic, now sitting with a straight back, like a soldier expecting interrogation. She furrowed her eyebrows at him by the sudden change in his demeanor.

“Snoke?...He’s the one telling you to kill to make it better? Ben, it’s _murder_ … you are _killing_ people’s mothers, fathers… children. For _Every_ life you take, you destroy a _family!"_

Kylo rose from the fallen tree he had been sitting on. The supreme leader was wise in so many things, he had devoted years to his teachings. Here this _girl_ comes along and thinks she can change it all just like that? He choked a frustrated growl, still clenching his un-gloved hands.

“They were rebels…They stand against the first order, our vision...My Grandfather had a v---”

“ _I am a rebel too_ , I don’t stand by the first order’s ideals. No one should rule above the other! Are you going to kill me as well then if Snoke commands it? Vader... He  _turned_ , Luke turned him back before he died.”

The anger boiled in him. Kylo wasn’t even sure he knew where it came from but his system fired up, his pulse picked up, his breathing along with it. His hands clenched into fists by his sides. Rey felt the shift. It was almost like he had two personalities, Kylo, the dark personality that went well with the mask wherever that was at the moment. Then Ben, the softer side that strived to be released to the light side again, the side she sensed so well in him, it was there screaming for attention. It was like playing hide and seek. Kylo was the monster who listened to Snoke, Ben? Ben longed to be free of the pain inside.

Rey felt for him, it was in all honesty a pain she understood even though she never strayed to the dark. The torment inside, the constant need and will to survive just one more breath above the surface of a sea too deep. Kylo didn’t reply he just stood there like he was frozen except for the trembling of course. Was it trembling because of anger or something else? She hesitated a moment but then put the teacup down before he stepped up in front of him.

“Ben… _killing_ people is _wrong_! Even you must know that!!"

“He’s my master…”

Kylo repeated in a montone voice, forced to sound calm even though his inner side was most likely not. She searched his eyes but he didn’t look at her. His eyes were dark, almost cold. Rey furrowed her eyebrows. It was like looking at someone frozen in stone except for the clenching of his jaws.

“He’s _using_ you! Don’t you get that? Once he gets what he needed from you, he’s going to get rid of you… he’s playing you for _his needs!”_

His expression softened a little, it seemed like the inner conflict in him was burning him from the inside. The perspiration gave a slight shimmer to his forehead but it also gave a clear vision of the fact he was fighting a mental battle he seemed to be losing. Rey could just guess what was going on in there, inside his head. He didn’t answer did he even hear her? It sounded like the words that came out of his mouth were repeated because he was taught to reply that way, not because he believed them. A tear made its way down her cheek suddenly, her heart ached for him. She cried for him with tears he seemed to have forgotten how to shed. Rey hadn’t even realized she was teary eyed until it fell.

“Ben..?”

She asked softly, almost a whisper. She took a step closer, now only inches away from his chest. She let the tear make its way down her cheek, it didn't matter if it was there or not he had seen her cry more than once before. Kylo didn’t move more than a trembling breath escaped his lips when she came so close. He was radiating conflict, fear, confusion. Was he drowning inside? Rey looked down at his chest for a moment. The chest she had seen bare a while ago, that chiseled chest that wouldn't leave her mind alone and a mental picture she secretly wanted to keep safe for as long as she lived. Her pulse increased, feeling the warmth of his body, did this mean she could touch him still since she felt his bodyheat?

“Ben? can you hear me in there?”

She asked worriedly. Nothing happened, not instantly anyway, a few seconds passed, a moment that felt longer than eternity but then, his eyes met hers. There were no words, just feelings, _connection_. He blinked a few times as if he tried to make his mind clearer. He was drowning, wasn’t he? Rey slowly put her hands up and moved towards his chest while hoping the connection was strong enough, they never knew how much time they had before they faded from each other again.

Petite hands placed themselves on his chest, feeling the woven fabric beneath them, she silently exhaled, thanking the higher powers for the touch. He looked unsure, she hesitated but let one of her hands slowly move up towards his shoulder then moved along his neck, never breaking contact as if to make sure the connection would hold, afraid it might not if she let go. Her thumb traced his cheek. With the other hand still on his chest, she could feel how hard and fast his pulse was with his heart thundering away in there, no wonder he was persperating.

Kylo fought his own emotions, mental ghosts as well as the orders of having to kill her eventually, the question he couldn't bring himself to answer. It would be either him or Snoke according to the orders he had been given before he left. Kylo didn’t want to kill her, he wanted her by his side. She made him feel strong even though he felt as his weakest however that made sense?

His name by her voice, it sounded so much softer than before. A drop of perspiration slowly made its way down his hairline. He had to focus. This anger, this tearing inside like claws ripping flesh from a wild animal trapped to take its last breath. It was slowly getting too much for him to handle, it felt hard to breathe as if his chest was locked in something that made his chest too tight. Kylo closed his eyes and clenched his jaws again _focus_ , _focus!_ Her hand reminded him of his father’s last touch seconds after Kylo had killed him. He _had_ to kill him, didn’t he? _kill your past if you have to_. He swallowed and let a trembling breath out through his nose. He couldn't change that choice now, he couldn't say he was sorry. His father was dead and he would always be from that day on.

Rey realized she couldn’t reach him. He was getting lost in whatever prison his mind set up for him. She tried with both hands on his cheeks to try and get contact that way but nothing. He kept his eyes closed, struggling while fighting in his own mind.

“ _Ben!_ ”

She called out to deaf ears. Then, a thought crossed her mind. She blinked, looking at him intensly which caused her to hesitate even more than before. He was beautiful this dark prince, her mind told her what she should do but she didn't know if she dared to do it. There was only one way to help a man that was drowning. _Just do it, Rey, stop being stupid!_  She thought seconds before she she grabbed a better hold of his cheeks and pulled him down towards her as she got up on her toes, pressing her lips to his in a gentle kiss, feeling his soft lips against hers.

Kylo suddenly felt a jolt striking right through his mind as their lips met. He gasped for air in a deep inhale through his nose while their lips were connected, his eyes flicked open only to see her so close so him. His heart fluttered in his chest and his head spun by the energy she was giving him. It was like an old spaceship just got fired back up again after years of emptiness. How can you feel breathless when you just took a deep inhale of air?!

Rey slowly broke the kiss and looked up at him in fear that it might not have worked. She felt lightheaded and warm. Her heart fluttered as she felt her cheeks burning, she trembled all over just as he did. She swallowed and sunk back down to her heels again and realized he was looking at her. She suddenly felt the blush deepen.

“Sorry… didn’t know what else to do... sorry... eh...”

She said quietly but still stood so close to him. Kylo felt her warm breath on his skin. Strangely enough it felt like a calming breeze with the scent of sweet flowery tea. He met her eyes, gazed right into them and for a second his knees wanted to bend. He hesitated and yet again seemed unsure while she still held his face in her cupped hands, his were still by his sides. He couldn’t find the words, didn’t even know what to say at all. The only thing he could find that made sense was to slowly move his hands up to her face as well. His eyes asked if he was allowed to, hers said yes. Slowly he leaned down and let their lips meet again. This time they both inhaled the other’s personal scent, their energies, feelings, all of it. It was intoxicating. Kylo stepped closer, their chests now touching, both with vibrating hearts of longing for the other. It was so intense he almost expected to hear the electric sound you hear when you touch certain fabrics when it's been loaded with static energy, but he didn't. It was however more than felt on the inside.

Kylo slowly opened his mouth and traced her lower lip with his tongue, asking permission to deepen the kiss and their connection, he longed for her, needed more of her. Rey allowed him to, she asked him to, needed him to. Their tongues danced a soft, slow dance that made the heavens and planets disappear. Their pain and worries seemed faint compared to what they felt, lifting each other up while mixing their energies in a wild touch of purple in the middle where their bodies met. He was her flame, she was his wind. Not burning or cold, just simply a breeze of change with a whisper of destiny’s threads being bound and woven together into the tapestry of the world. If they only knew what Destiny had planned for them.


	10. Shadows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey ponders on things while Kylo has very unpleasant dreams.
> 
> (Forced things in dreams, non-consented things, if you don't want to read it, don't read the italics - which is more than probably half the chapter x) You'd miss things that will come later though).

 

 

The kiss still lingered on her lips after the connection had broken. Those soft, full lips against hers, it had been the last thing she’d expected, that he would kiss back or even ask with his eyes if he was allowed to. Kylo was supposed to be the bad guy and here he was playing the nice well behaved man she never expected by someone from the First Order.

Finn wasn’t a bad man either of course, he had however gotten out and turned to the rebel side. It wasn’t the same, was it? No, it couldn’t be. Kylo was still on the dark side, working with the First order, what the heck was she doing kissing the enemy?! Rey couldn’t help but trace her lips with her fingertips, sitting in the stone hut while the night rained away outside, Luke had given her this little place as her own while she trained with him. Somehow she still felt so alone here no matter what she did. Luke didn’t let her in and those caretaker creatures didn’t make much sense, all they seemed to do was give her the evil eye for breaking something or being somewhere she shouldn’t be.

She had been so angry with Kylo, hating him for killing his own father. It was still cruel to do so, killing your own parents. At the same time, Rey had been abandoned as if she was worthless, Kylo had been abandoned by parents arguing, one part leaving the other getting busy in diving into rebel things. What had been different though, was that Han Solo had returned asking for his son to come home, Rey’s parents hadn’t.

What Luke had told her about Ben Solo was however that Snoke had gotten hold of his mind, perhaps he still had control over him? Maybe it was Snoke making Ben kill his father? she wasn’t sure but the Kylo she saw seemed to be more and more like a hurt and abandoned Ben trying to run from who and what he really was, pretending Snoke was the parent caring about him when in truth it seemed more like a very damaging relationship where Snoke used him for his own needs instead of giving love and kindness. Rey wasn’t sure about this of course, but it was the only explanation she had for Kylo behaving more like a kind man and not a wild monster when he was close to her.

“Kylo… is Ben… Ben Solo. Luke Skywalker’s nephew... S **ky** walker, So **lo** .. Ky-lo, _Kylo_ … Ben.”

She frowned. He was running but yet not leaving his heritage behind completely? The knights of Ren… if she remembered correctly, Ren was a form of saying ‘Orphan’ but she couldn’t remember in what language it was. The Knights of Orphan children, why on earth would he choose a name that wasn’t orphan? This didn’t make sense. Well, it did in a way. Kylo was in a way screaming for help to be allowed to return to being Ben. Right? The question was, how did you turn a man who had both light and dark constantly conflicting inside of him? Her fingertips still traced her lips while she sat in bed, covered with the blanket, staring at an unlit fireplace in the dark.

The more she thought about it, the more it felt like he was the victim of neglect, searching for someone to see him, to acknowledge him and see him for who he was. A person, not a monster, not for what he had done or what he did but to look past that mask of his no matter if he was wearing it or not. Was that her place in all this? a nobody from nowhere? She sighed and ran a hand through her hair.

“Get a grip, Rey…”

She mumbled to herself and let herself sink down on the bed until she lay on her side with her head on the soft feather pillow. Why had she kissed him to begin with? It wasn’t panic, not from her part anyway. Perhaps she could blame it on that tea instead? She sighed again and ended up yawning before she pulled the covers up to her nose, wrapping herself in tighter. It was so cold here compared to Jakku, the rain was however beautiful to watch, not to mention the pleasing sound it made when it fell to the ground.

 

**~*~**

 

The kiss had made him feel lighter inside, a lot lighter than he had in a long time. The pain wasn’t as bad as it usually was, the constant torment of making the right choice or not when leaving his family behind. Here he was taking some time off. Time Kylo wasn’t sure Snoke would approve of, but so far he hadn’t gotten any calls. It wasn’t like he was completely off the grid, just not… in place on the Finalizer.

This night was the first in ages that he had actually fallen asleep with some kind of hovering calm in his mind. The sleeping pad was rolled out and he was resting under warm blankets. Not that much was needed in this humid air, but the air was still colder now than when the sun was up.

_The kiss was deep, soft and giving. All he wanted was her, nothing else mattered in the world as it was, there were no light or dark side, just them. No wars, nothing just their breaths, their heartbeats that brought life to everything around them, the yin to his yang. Balance._

_Darkness slowly crawled up on them, darkness you first didn’t see because it came crawling in the corners of your eyes slowly enough that you got used to the shift in color before you realized it was too late. Whispers of promises of power, promises of becoming strong and to fulfil the destiny you were meant to complete. The burning darkness of his soul that crept uncomfortably close and before you realized it, it had the hold of you in a way you wished you had never allowed in the first place. It had been invited, to crawl into your mind, to grow and taunt and linger in the shadows even during lighter moments._

_Hands of darkness formed, gripping the blankets he wore while sleeping, crawling formelssly on top of the boy's sleeping body with ice in its grip. It crawled underneath the covers, surrounding his almost naked form, covering him while whispering the promises he longed to hear. It crawled into his underwear, touching everywhere teasing everywhere. It crawled into his mind, entering his ears, his nostrils the corners of his eyes, licking his lips until it gained access to his throat._

_The body of the boy reacted to its teasing, its touch and its wantings, the promises it called to him, the destiny awaited but first he would have to kill, kill for it, kill for the darkness as it licked his body to arousal. He moaned as the covers were pulled away by hands of shadow and mist. It nudged him, wanted him to turn to his back while it licked and teased his senses, he complied unknowingly of what was going on. It was pleased. Arousal could be gained elsewhere not only by the enemy. Desire could be filled by others but the enemy. It stroked his form, stroked his length with cold hands formed as if it was nothing by black clouds. The boy’s heart rate rose along with his shaft being touched. The darkness licked the corners of his lips, covered his eyes like a lover taking what it needed without consent. He shuddered._

_Tension began to build inside of him, it was hard to move. The darkness weighed nothing and yet he couldn’t move, it was hard to breathe, heavy. Eyes were open but he saw nothing but darkness, felt nothing but cold while he was stroked ruthlessly to reach where he didn’t want to go. Terror set in where fear had crawled up from the bottom of his mind, he couldn't move! Someone was watching from a distance, someone was pleased with what it saw as the shadows worked his body. Hands of shadow held him firmly, holding him down against the sleeping pad. The boy couldn’t even move his hands much less his mind and it pleased it, pleased the shadows as it worked him._

_“Let it go, allow it… allow it as we please” the shadow whispered in a hissing sound that sounded more like a reaper than than any living form. The boy tensed his legs underneath the shadows, it grinned in its formless appearance. he tried to move his arms, didn’t want this, never wanted this, not like this! He tried to plead but no words came out of his mouth which was covered with darkness, a shuddering breath. The pleasure building while cold hand stroked him, pleased him without consent. He knew he wouldn’t be able to resist and stand against what was coming, he knew he would reach his peak sooner or later even though he tried to fight against it, just like before…_

_He tried to make his mind plead to make this stop but all he sensed was laughter while the tension in his abdomen grew by the cold hands, touching him, teasing him and making him groan, licking with cold tongues on sensitive areas. He shuddered, couldn’t help but tremble by the arousal which affected his entire body. Golden eyes still couldn’t see in the darkness of the shadow, nothing came out of his mouth but ragged breaths of heat while he tried to struggle defenselessly against what was holding him captured._

_The final stage of the teasing was getting closer, the darkness could feel it, felt it in its grip, it wanted more. The boy’s shaft swelled in its formed, cold hands, the top was more sensitive than before, leaking of need of release. Hands managed to turn into fists holding the sheet beneath him in both frustration and pleasure. He tried to breathe but couldn’t, the tension was too much to bear. He stopped breathing completely as his entire body tensed up, his abdomen felt like a knot of pleasure screaming to be released of its prison. The shadow laughed, echoed from a distance far away and picked up the speed, tightening its cold grip as the inevitable finally came with a mental scream of begging not to. His body shook violently, involuntarily._

_The release came in bursts, pulsing hard while making his entire body shake and tremble as the shadows licked his essence, needing more, milking for more as every second seemed to count to get its fill of what it wanted of his very essence. He closed his eyes tightly, not wanting this, not this way. Not this way! This had to be a dream! Please let this be a dream!_

Kylo woke up with a scream and gasped for air. He lay spent on his back just as he had a moment ago, had this been a dream? His heart raced in his chest along with his breaths, as he hesitatingly looked down over his own frame, not realizing that the shadows crawled back in the corners of his eyes as if he blinked the sleepiness away from dreaming, he didn't see them. He swallowed and licked his lips nervously while coming down from climaxing.

The blankets lay on the side of his body, he was cold as ice but yet covered with a glimmering layer of perspiration, as if he had been bathing in an ice-hole in a lake unwillingly. He had climaxed that much he could tell by the feeling of his body, something he usually didn’t when he was this cold. He was tucked into his underwear but knowing he had climaxed there were almost little to none of his seed anywhere, neither on him which would be logic considering he was on his back, or in his underwear which didn’t make sense at all, he ran a trembling hand over his chest and abdomen, nothing. It simply ended up making him feel confused as well as a bit freaked. 

_Focus!_

Kylo sat up abruptly and pulled the blankets over his shoulders and crawled into them as good as he could and shuddered by the cold, he couldn't help but feel a bit sick, he felt abused but there was no one there to abuse him, right? What was going on! Golden brown eyes looked up and met the morning sun shining through the forest on one side of the tarp he’d placed on the side of his Starship, TIE Silencer. This had been a strange, not to mention an unpleasant night which he was glad was over, he just needed to calm his heart and nerves now and get back in control of his mind. Well, one thing he was sad it was over though, last night, if that was even real? Or had he dreamed that kiss with Rey up as well? Everything felt so confusing. Was he loosing touch with reality? Kylo rubbed his face with his hands while a deep breath escaped in half a sob as his hands ran through the dark waves of hair. He had momentarily left the Finalizer to get rid of this, not to get more of it.

"Get a grip, Kylo..."


	11. Fatigue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo is slowy coming to his breaking point but someone seems to be there to catch him.

 

 

Two days. It had gone two days without any form of force connection between them. Kylo had begun to think it was all a mind game or at least had begun to think he was nuts. All he had was these thoughts of orders needing to be complied along with a heart that kept wavering in choices the mind had decided on already. So why didn’t he feel any better? It was like a darkness was constantly hovering over his mind which made him feel heavy inside. The nightly dreams of waking up in terror had been constant and nothing he could really do anything about since he didn’t know where they were coming fro except for the fact he couldn’t move when they happened.  
  
His body ached. He told himself it was because the nights were a lot colder than he expected here, at the same time he had done with less in colder climates than it was here on Takodana. It wasn’t logical but he kept pushing those thoughts away as if he shouldn’t dwell on it or think too deeply on it. He felt mentally drained or, perhaps he had felt like that for a long time already and this was the first time he’d actually stopped long enough to allow himself to feel what he probably already knew inside. He’d just kept denying it.

The fire was set. The tea kettle was already done but he’d only put it a side with hot water for tea but he hadn’t poured anything up in the cup yet. Instead he sat with his head in his hands, elbows leaning on his knees while his fingers were entwined in his black waves. His eyes had somehow blankly fixated on a small ant-like looking creature carrying a piece of the forest back to its nest, walking past his boots as it did so.

Kylo felt fatigued, tired. Perhaps he should return to Starkiller base and drown himself in work instead so he wouldn’t have to think so much. It felt like he hadn’t slept for a week. The anxiety was brooding in him again, tearing him apart piece by piece. It felt like he had a hard time keeping warm as well, no matter what he did, a strange cold feeling was always around like a wind too faint to feel but it still chilled your skin no matter how much clothes you put on.

Then, there it was again. That pull, that tingle in his senses, the waves he had become familiar with. A low buzz in his ear as if blood rushed through his systems so fast his ears was allowed to hear it. His heart skipped a beat, he couldn’t help but to exhale a trembling breath at the same time he looked up.

There she was, the one who seemed to be able to drown his pain just by being there. The kiss had been more than magic, that spark, he couldn’t even begin to explain what it had felt like… if it was real? He still wasn’t sure. Hazel eyes watched him, at first with half a smile but it faded along with glimmering eyes turning to a worried expression.

“Ben? Are you alright?”

“u-umh.. yes, I’m fine.”  
  
She blinked and looked at him and took a few steps towards him. He straightened his back and sat up straight as a reaction to it. Kylo didn’t really dare to look at her, all he wanted to do was look at those lips and wonder if he had really kissed them or not. He bit the inside of his lower lip, clenching his hands to fists by his knees.

“You don’t look fine? Ben… you look really tired and beat?”  
  
It wasn’t like him to look this way. A shy glance was all she got before he looked away. Where was the fire in his eyes, the warrior? Or perhaps this was Ben and not Kylo sitting here? Rey moved closer and crouched down by him, placing her hands on his. He shied away with a slight choked gasp by the light touch, she let her hand remain on his knees, searching for eye contact. It was electrifying to touch him it was hard to contain herself.

“Ben? What happened, tell me?”

Kylo swallowed before he clenched his jaws. He didn’t move back from her where she was, remaining crouched in front of him, holding her warm hands on his knees. The slight touch even through his pants was electrifying enough to make his heart rate pic up.

“Just… bad dreams, nothing really…It’s nothing.”

Rey didn’t believe him, he felt it even without looking at her. She let her knees drop to the ground and stood up on them, still resting her hands on his knees while trying to get eye contact with him still.

“Ben, look at me…. _look at me_ ”

She pleaded. He was trembling, all he wanted was to wrap his arms around her and never let go. This flame in his darkness, but he didn’t. Didn’t dare to. A soft hand touched his chin, gently turning him to face her, he complied and eventually glanced up at her, meeting her eyes with his golden ones. She searched his mind, no, his soul. He swallowed.

“Is it the kiss? I’m sorry about that… I didn’t m---”

“No, no it’s not…”

Kylo interrupted, he hesitated a moment, stopping in his line of thoughts and looked up at her from under his hair, head somewhat bowed.

“That happened? It wasn’t a dream then?”

Rey arched an eyebrow. What was going on with him? He seemed disconnected, confused. She shook her head while the worried look remained on her expression. He furrowed his eyebrows and let his eyes fall to the ground again. What was real in all this? Shadows lingering in the back of his mind, watching, waiting, biding its time. If he only knew.

“I.. I wasn’t sure..”

He snorted bitterly in a slight sneer, shaking his head at himself before he ran a hand over his face, rubbing it before it ran through his hair again, somewhat grinning.

“I think I’m losing touch with reality and I don't even know why…”

He somewhat laughed at the words coming out of his mouth. She however, didn’t. She looked worried and sincere in it as well. Rey took a few steps closer on her knees, watching him. She could almost feel the pulse within him hammering away in his veins, but she wasn’t sure if it was  because of her or something else, perhaps both?

“What’s happening to you? Where are you?”

He shrugged slightly.

“I don’t know...All I know is that whatever it is, is tearing me apart again… It feels like my chest is ripped open and is on fire at the same time. I can’t think… Takodana still, I didn’t get a call to return to The Finalizer yet.”

Kylo glanced up at her again somewhat expecting a laugh or a joke at his expense but it never came. Instead he met tearful eyes of hers, watching him, heeding his words. She had taken one of his hand in hers, now staring blankly at him before a tear made its way down her cheek. She blinked, suddenly looking horrified. All Kylo could feel was fatigue along with this electrifying spark she kept giving him by every touch she made. He wasn’t sure if it hurt or if it was pleasure, all he knew was that he  couldn’t get enough of it, it scared him as much as he needed it.

“...Ben”

She whispered, another tear fell, trickling its way down her cheek. He furrowed an eyebrow at her. That look? Did she see something, did she get a vision? He didn’t get anything from her this time. A sudden hit of terror hit him hard in the chest. She must have picked it up. Before he got the chance to rise and get away from her and get some distance, she had leaned over, cupped both his cheeks and pulled him closer, his hands remained on his knees. Kylo wasn’t sure how to react, hugging wasn’t really something he was used to. She held him close, her chin on the nape of his neck, arms wrapped around his shoulders. Rey couldn’t help herself but discreetly inhaled his musky scent. It reminded her of sandalwood and spices.

“I want to help you…. _please_ , let me help you”

She whispered against his ear before she leaned down and placed her lips against the nape of his neck. Kylo barely dared to breathe by the touch. His heart fluttered in his chest again but he soon sank into the hug by answering her with arms around her slim waist. He leaned his head against her shoulder, inhaling her, just taking some of her essence in for as long as he could before the connection would break again. She smelled like warm skin in the sun and a bit of sea water, the ocean on a warm, sunny beach. She held him so close as if his life depended on it. Perhaps it did? She wasn’t sure, he probably didn’t know but she doubted he’d confess if that was the answer.

Rey let her fingers entwine in his hair, his thick black mane of hair and gave the nape of his neck a light kiss. He answered by holding her tighter, putting his lips against the nape of her neck. He closed his eyes and inhaled her scent, allowing himself to escape from the torment of his mind for a moment. He didn’t know how long it would last this time, he mentally clinged at her for a single breath of sanity. She allowed him to breathe if so only for a moment, cooling his scorching inner flames.

 


	12. Like a moth to a flame

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Still not beta-read and yet again, things happening that is not consented. Please heed those warnings if you are sensitive to this!

 

  
  


Kylo inhaled her scent, that life giving breath of life that seemed to spark his system, a light in the dark in a way. A light feeling of being safe around her lingered in his mind as he closed his eyes as he let himself bathe in her presence. Her hands in his hair was soothing to the mind, somewhere reminding him of a memory as a child when he’d had bad nightmares and Leia had been there to calm him down by gently running her hands through his hair while talking softly to him until he had fallen back to sleep.

Rey’s lips remained by the nape of his neck, skin to skin. It slowly allowed him to build the confidence to dare to place his lips against the nape of her neck as well, letting himself inhale her better in the process even though he did so discreetly. Her skin was warm against his lips, soft and it worked well with the scent of sun warm skin and oceans. Her pulse matched his, fluttering away in her veins, he could feel it by being this close to her neck. Kylo let the tip of his nose trace her earlobe, letting himself inhale her even more, allowing himself to get drunk on her very essence while holding her so close. She felt like a strong rock in his stormy ocean that was his mind.

Rey traced her cheek against his, moving slow to feel his slight stubble against her cheek. A soft hand ran through the hair by his ear on the opposite side while holding him close with the other hand on his back. She trembled, so did he as one of his hands traced her form from her waist until it reached up to cup the side of her head, letting his fingers dive into that beautiful brown hair which was currently only in one bun. He swallowed hesitatingly and glanced up at her face. not that he could see much by being this close, but seeing her eyelashes close to his own made his heart beat as if there was no tomorrow. Kylo swallowed again while fighting a mental battle against himself before he dared to whisper three small words in her ear, barely loud enough to hear but loud enough for her to pick them up being so close.

“... I… need you.”

The sparks between them intensified by those mere words as if more energy was allowed to flow through them somehow. Both of them shuddered a breath onto the others’ cheek while golden flashes electrified their systems. Kylo slowly moved his head back enough to be barely an inch away from her face. His eyes searched hers, his hands tracing her body, hers tracing his while holding him so tightly to her chest. She still stood on her knees on the ground between his legs where he sat on the fallen tree.

Kylo didn’t have the time to react before her eyes met his for only a second, her lips met his the moment after, hungry, needingly searching his. She held the back of his head and deepened the kiss more. He followed her and closed his eyes again, allowing himself just to be in the sensation she brought to his system.

“...I will help you, Ben.”

She whispered softly against his lips, seconds before they met again, hungrily tasting the other. Their tongues danced a slow teasing dance which in turn electrified both their systems to the max on all levels it seemed. Kylo felt himself growing rock hard in the need of wanting her, all of her. It made him wild at the same time he tried to slow himself down so he could savor the moment and remember it, every single detail of it. Rey moved closer between his legs by taking miniature steps on her knees towards him, he couldn’t help but spreading his legs a bit more to allow her to do so. Her small but ample breasts now resting against his chest as their bodies worked up heat between them, vibrating on the same level.

_ Something lingered in the dark of his mind however, creeping, crawling, watching… waiting for the right moment. It grinned in its mistlike form, slowly making its way closer step by step not to be noticed before it was too late. It felt their heartbeats, his heartbeat, the boy who seemed to still waver in his tenacity to know what orders were and what temptation was to stray from those orders. It moved ever so slowly to catch its prey off guard at the best moment, slithering its way into his mind, blinding his eyes and numbing him to its bite before it struck. _

Suddenly Kylo tensed and choked in the middle of the kiss as if someone took a choke hold on him and pulled him backwards so fast until he fell with his back straight down behind the fallen tree he was sitting on. It knocked the air out of him and terrified Rey who seemed to try and call him but he couldn’t reply where he was on his back. He grabbed his throat with his hands as his eyes darkened, vision seemed to disappear from the corners of his eyes and moving up to his pupils along the whites of his eyes, turning everything to dusk before it became pitch black.

The last thing he saw was her panicked look, arms reaching out for him as she got up from standing on her knees on the other side of the tree before she faded. Kylo wanted to cough and gasp but he wasn’t allowed, he wanted to inhale but he wasn’t allowed to do that either. The cold crept closer in his blinded state, he could feel it tracing his body. It pulled his legs down to the ground so he couldn’t kick around while squirming in panic. His hands struggled to fight an invisible enemy but eventually they too ended up pinned to the ground against his will.

Kylo began to get light headed by the lack of air due to the choke-hold that seemed to come from nowhere. This had been just like in his dream, except that this was not a dream, right? He closed his eyes and forced himself calm, pushing the panic of not being able to breathe away from his mind. The more he accepted defeat, the lighter the grip around his neck became. The icy cold grips on his limbs however, remained firm and wouldn’t budge an inch.

The black smoke dulled his hearing as it crawled into his ears, it dulled his choked screams and protests as it crawled into his mouth and nostrils and yet again he found himself stuck in the same nightmare as before, only it had been morning when he’d sat by the fire, the sun was up, he knew it was! Right?

Something tugged at his belt, ripping it open. The black shadows allowed him to hear the thud as it landed on the ground beside him before he once again was deafened by the dark shadows’ intensity. Kylo tried to mentally scream to make this stop but it had never listened before so why would it now? He called out to Rey but a thought of Leia appeared in his mind for a split second before it all went dark. It felt like he was stuck in a void with the abyss of darkness now tugging at the hem of his pants where his erection had begun to fade, now only semi hard. That, was however something the shadows grinned at wickedly. This would not be a problem to get back as it wished it to be, all it needed to do was to tease and taunt until the boy’s bodily reactions responded to the treatment.

Kylo struggled, tried to get his hands free, tried to kick but all he could do was move his head from side to side even though his senses were closed off completely. He could sense a presence but he couldn’t pinpoint who, as if the person didn’t want to be known or was powerful enough to hide him or herself to him.

His black pants came undone, buttons giving up as they unwillingly slid through their assigned holes in the fabric. Even though a slight thought of feeling a bit more relieved as he got more space for his member, the feeling soon disappeared as icy cold hands touched him. It was an eerie feeling he couldn’t shake no matter what he did. The anxiety rising by every touch that was made, conflicting with the anger of being treated this way to begin with.

The underwear was pulled back and he could feel himself being grabbed by hands that didn’t really feel like hands. The panic in his system crawled back in his mind, he struggled to get free but still he wasn’t successful, no matter what he tried with the force, it was like a mind trap was set up in a mind bubble he couldn’t get out of. A thought of wanting to cry and just give up crossed his mind but no tears came, instead his erection returned to its rock hard state without his consent. The shadows grinned as if they’d had lips in the dark mist-form which hovered above the boy’s form. It licked and tugged at him to reach the goal to get his essence no matter how much he struggled against it. It was stronger than the boy, it knew it and so did the boy. It was amusing how he still attempted to use the force against his unknown threat. This was not the boy’s playground, it was the hunter in the shadows’ game and only it knew the rules to this play. 

An unwilling moan escaped the boy’s lips, it grinned at the sound, teasing him more, wanting him to come quickly this time, it needed more essence. The cold hands picked up speed on his shaft, another hand formed and teased his gems, earning another attempt of wanting to get free from his imprisonment. It thrived in the waves of anxiety and terror which came out of the boy in pulses by every heated heartbeat given by his body. He breathed hard now, the boy was close, it felt it, it loved it - the thrill of the game. The shadows drank his unwillingness while loving the feeling of complete control over someone with usually a big amount of power, and here he was, helpless in a game he didn’t know the rules to, simply thrilling.

Kylo gasped for air by every breath while staring into the darkness above which clouded his eyes. All he could hear was his own heartbeats while it felt like he was being ravaged and hunted down like a prey and eaten alive by said actions on his member. How he longed for those tears to break free, the tears that wouldn’t come.

His abdomen began to tense while the shadows worked him so hard he somewhat rocked back and forth by the movement over his manhood in chilled shadow formed hands. Kylo tensed his legs as well as his stomach in a fatal attempt to try and stall the outcome this time as well even though he knew it wouldn’t work.

The cold hands traced his slit, teasing his wetness around the tip which grew more sensitive in response, teasing him closer to the climax he tried to avoid but at the same time knew he would reach. This seemed to be the goal of whoever did this. Perhaps he should just let it go instead and let this torment be over faster? The icy hand picked up speed at the same time that thought occurred to him. Kylo in turn tensed his entire body with a loud unwilling moan this time. He couldn’t help but arch his back, hips wanting to thrust on their own when he came so close to climax he knew he couldn’t turn back from it.

Kylo couldn’t breathe, clenched his hands into fists and leaned his head up in pure frustration of not wanting any of this. The pumping of his shaft continued until he fell over the edge with a loud panicked scream in his mind. He opened his mouth as if it would be heard there as well but the shadows denied him the voice of a victim.

Kylo pulsated in the cold hands of the predator which milked him more and more by each stroke it took, drinking his essence by every pulse of seed that came out of him. Not until the fifth stroke of said cold hands did he manage to gasp a breath. He sobbed it out only to inhale another one while the milking continued until he was dry and almost driven to madness by being overly sensitive by this devilish game.

His heart beat so hard in his chest he thought it would try to rip his chest open, his body convulsed and trembled while he gasped for air, wishing for this to end. He never asked for this. Once he began to become flacid again, the hand let him go and in turn he relaxed a bit more and leaned his head back on the ground and closed his eyes in a desperate attempt of hoping this was only a dream.

The black mist slowly slithered back in his mind after putting his clothes back as they were, this time it pulled back into the back of his mind so quickly he would think it might have been a dream the next time he opened his eyes, meeting blue skies with a hint of green in while laying spent on the ground.

“...save me…”   
  
He whispered to no one particular. Once he dared to look down on himself, he yet again realized his essence was missing even though he now lay on his back and tucked in where he was supposed to be. Kylo panicked and quickly got up from the ground. There were no sign of Rey anywhere, had she seen anything at all or had she faded before it all begun? He wasn’t sure since his vision had been clouded until blind. The anxiety of only that thought tore in his chest as if the rest wasn’t enough.

“Shit….”   
  
He mumbled and went to his backpack beside his sleeping area, grabbing a towel. He headed to the stream close to where he had landed his ship, Silencer. Quickly he stripped his clothes and got into the stream as if he wanted to clean his feelings of guilt and dirtiness away. 

The water was cool, but not icy cold. He noticed he had stinging and numbing sensations on his wrists and just below his knees and ankles which made him look a bit more on those areas as he got himself into the water. To his horror, Kylo saw what looked to be frostbites but in the forms of hands that had gripped him, large hands with long fingers. A feeling of fear crawled in the back of his mind as he kept washing himself up as good as he could and probably stayed there longer than he should have trying to deny what he saw. He had to try and analyze this, he had to for his own survival. He couldn’t just let these ‘attacks’ in the lack of a better word, own him like this. He had to try and figure out a counter attack. 

Problem was… he never knew when it would happen again.


	13. Chasing Shadows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Still no Beta :(

 

Another three days passed, the darkness kept whispering things to him in the back of his mind as well as abusing him as soon as he had some kind of dream that evolved to arousal. He couldn’t, not think about her it was impossible and even more so after they’d kissed for a second time. Kylo had taken baths in the stream every day. They felt uplifting for a while but this uneasy feeling always came back. The frost bites had turned from white to more red by this time, barely view able. He wouldn’t have any marks left once they healed up but it was disturbing enough that he made sure he had his sleeves pulled down so he wouldn’t see them.

Kylo had gotten a routine on things while being here for a few days. Got up, had his tea and ate breakfast before training with his lightsaber until he got too tired to keep going and collapsed in a sweaty heap by the fireplace again. He had to get some frustration out, some of that _I need to kill_ feelings that kept crawling into his mind off and on somehow it infuriated him more than he wanted to allow himself. All he wanted to do was to breathe and try to clear his mind but even that seemed hard to do no matter how much he wanted it or not.

He let his lightsaber move with him follow his movements which flowed through the air as if he stood shirtless in water and not in a forest, at the same time they were fast and precise with a lethal accuracy if he’d had someone to fight against. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath before he began the next sequence, tapping into that old habit of letting things flow in control instead of in anger. The only way he really felt peace nowadays was when he was training (except for the moments with Rey that was). He lost track of time for once, just letting himself bathe in the force, being one with his lightsaber.

The darkness was crawling in his mind, tickling that killer instinct it knew he had luring it forward when there was too much balance in him, he was thinking too much like a jedi and that needed to change. It tainted his mind, teasing with memories of Han’s betrayal by leaving both Leia and him behind after a big fight about him learning to handle the force with Luke or not how alone he was with family that didn’t care. He knew where he belonged now. How Leia had made him go when all he wanted to do was to be with his mother, she was too busy with rebel things, needed to stay on top of everything and to lead. She was no mother to him, not like he wanted to at least. She loved him however, he knew that and he loved her for it, but Han was something else. Absent father, never being close enough to get hold of while flying about the galaxy, smuggling. Luke, the grand legacy of the Skywalker blood in his veins, the very uncle who tried to kill him in his sleep. The worst betrayal of all, especially after Ben had finally begun to see him like a father figure that Han wasn’t.

The lightsaber flew through the air while he kept his eyes closed, training hard to keep his reflexes up even though he wasn’t at the Finalizer at the moment. Luke, how he wanted to kill him first. Yet again the feelings of betrayal crawled into his system, triggering that anger and feeling of being abandoned by his family. He swirled like the wind on his heels before stabbing the lightsaber forward, suddenly hitting something as he swirled on. Kylo stumbled somewhat and opened his eyes only to realize he’d stabbed a tree which was falling right at him. Pure instinct and use of the force managed to stop the tree a few inches above him while he covered his head with one of his arms, the other hand gripping the air just below the tree before tossing it to the side.

Kylo stared at the tree at it landed with a hard cracking sound, leaving only the stump in the height of Kylo’s chest. He swallowed and glared at it while he breathed hard from exercise, sweating. He figured that had to do for the day, dusk was somewhat settling in anyway by the green color of the sky in the horizon, mixing with the darkening blue skies. He shot his lightsaber off and put it back on his belt before he walked over to the tree by the fireplace and sunk down, trying to catch his breath as well as his thoughts.

This was madness, wasn’t it? Tormenting himself like this? He couldn’t remember having dreams like these dark ones back on the Finalizer, on the other hand, he was constantly doing things there, constantly occupying his mind with things to do. He ran a hand through his persperated hair and leaned his elbows on his knees for a while, letting his arms hang towards the ground between them.

“What _are_ you doing here…?”

He mumbled to himself before he took a deep inhale in his loneliness. A bird called out to the falling sun as he made his way to the stream again, washing himself off before dinner and bedtime, there wasn't much to do out here once the darkness fell anyway.

About an hour later, Kylo was laying on his back on his bed below the tarp, looking at the hologram tablet which held his grandfather’s image. He hadn’t switched it on, but he still looked at it, somewhat flipping it around in his hand, the other hand resting behind his head. _Let the past die_ … he kept repeating it in his mind.

_It swirled, slithered and crawled closer, licking those dark thoughts of the boy’s mind. They were there still in the back of his mind, the betrayal and how the only person he could trust was on the Finalizer. It licked his nonexistent tears, made promises that everything would be fine as long as he came back with the girl as his orders were. The boy knew his orders why did he let himself stray like this? It licked his mind, swirling around it like a snake hugging its prey. The boy whimpered in its claws, it grinned wickedly in reply or, would have if it’d had a mouth in the dark mist-like form it was in. Pleasure could be sedated elsewhere it promised as it licked the mind enough to raise the pulse of the targeted body. He was blinded and deafened by now of course, placed on his back the way it wanted him to be. This time only in his pants and blankets on. Easy target to play with in its own game._

_The boy protested, tried to move his arms but he wasn’t allowed, he tried to arch his back but didn’t get farther than the darkness allowed. The panic began to crawl in him again, the fear of not having control of his own body. The face of a panicked boy emerged on him, the shadow grinned as it started to wander downwards with hands that formed after its needs._

Suddenly a hissing scream that sounded worse than anything he’d ever heard deafening his ears. A screeching sound numbing his eardrums while he screamed himself, covering his ears in panic of said sound. He gasped in terror as he rolled to his side, opening his eyes only to se...Rey with her lightsaber in full blow. Kylo kept holding his ears just staring at her. Was this another force connection? He hadn’t heard the ripples in the force? In the corner of his eyes he saw a dark shadow disappearing from view while looking injured, however a shadow could do that he wasn’t sure?

“Ben, are you alright?!”  
  
He blinked and slowly sat up on the bed, glancing to one of his hands as if to check if he had blood running from his ears or not. Nothing. He looked haunted and confused from waking up so abruptly, perspiration covering him in a light glimmering layer from the beginning of abuse and terror.

“Ben?...”  
  
She knealed by him while she shut her lightsaber off at the same time. He watched her get closer, feeling the intensity between them build up. It was almost like static electricity but without touching as of yet.

“Are you alright?”

She repeated. He took an inhale and let it out trembling and nodded quietly. He glanced to the area where the darkness had disappeared to unless it had been a mirage. Was this real? He felt so confused, like something had been ripped from him while it attacked. It almost felt like a heavy weight had been lifted from him, a weight that he'd been carrying for almost weeks now.

“...what happened?”  
  
He asked quietly before looking back at her, sitting with his shirtless back to the wall of his ship, his body glimmering in the dim light of the moons from the opening of the tarp, the blanket currently only covering his legs.

“I don’t know, I just saw a dark shadow hovering over you and you looked distressed… so I attacked it and it left with a shriek. I don't know if I hurt it or not, but at least I surprised it enough to make it leave.”  
  
He licked his lips and sat up a little straighter, looking towards the area where it had disappeared to again, then back to her.

“This.. is another force-connection? How could you cut it then?”

She smiled lightly but her eyes shone brightly like the sun in the sky, he wanted to melt by the sun in front of him. She was so stunning and more than amazing in her own way than she'd ever know. Rey shook her head and came closer by walking on her knees to get to him before she sat down on her knees just by the side of his bed.

“No, it’s not. I’m here. It took a while to find you though. Turns out that lifeforms on the wilder side of Takodana has quite a bit of wildlife. It was the warmth from the fireplace that gave you away even though it's dead. It was warm enough to be picked up and it didn't look at all like an animal... and then, there was you close to it of course.”

Kylo watched her for a moment. She.. was here? For real? He couldn’t help but let his eyes wander over her form then back up again almost in disbelief, not sure he believed her words. Rey smiled and laughed a little looking at him trying to connect the dots, he was clearly still out of it. He furrowed his eyebrows and looked down at her arm when she moved closer. She reached her hand out towards him.

“Touch me, I’m here. I’m really here, Ben.”

He swallowed and watched her eyes, he didn’t feel any ill deceit in her, he really hoped this wasn't a mind trick. He moved his hand towards her, feeling the hairs of the back of his neck give him a tickling shiver as he got closer. He touched her hand, she touched him smiling. Kylo looked down at their hands, blinking. She felt more solid than before even though she had been quite solid then too but it felt more - real, this time. The force wasn’t humming in the back of his mind in the same way.

Rey moved closer and placed a soft hand on his cheek much like Han had done when Kylo drove his lightsaber through his heart. A moment of pain flashed through his eyes before it disappeared when he met her eyes.

“...why did you come?”

He asked quietly, while trying to understand why she’d go to the enemy willingly to begin with. She shrugged a shoulder at him, meeting his golden brown eyes with her hazel gems glimmering with that inner light that warmed his soul.

“Well, you seemed to be in distress last time the force connected us and I didn’t know when the next connection would be...It felt like you needed help, so… here I am, chasing your shadows away, it seems.”

He glanced back to the area where it had disappeared again, then back to her while trying to get his thoughts together. He looked back into her eyes, still holding her hand. He asked her a silent question, she smiled and replied with her eyes.

Kylo sat up better and took his free hand he’d been leaning on and reached out to the back of her head. She moved closer as soon as they connected skin to skin. He let her hand go and wrapped his arms around her and held her tightly as if to make sure she was in fact real this time and not connected to him by the force. The scent of her skin by the nape of her neck was even more wonderful in real life. This time she smelled like sun-warm skin and not so much of sea water as she had during the force connections. He closed his eyes while letting her move to a better position, sitting hip to hip with him and as close as she possibly could without sitting in his lap.

“I’m here now, I will help you, Ben.”

She whispered in his ears. Had she seen his face it would have been a moment of peace in mind for a moment before he held her as close as he could. He didn't dare to hope she could save him, but she did spark some whisper for a rescue in his soul even though he would deny it if asked. She held her close in return and let her hands run through his hair on the back of his head. Kylo couldn’t help but just to inhale her very being, her vibration, her essence. Their hearts pounded in tune with each other, their breaths connected in their very core. The vibration felt like they very in tune all down to the molecules and midichlorians. He couldn’t help a trembling sigh that almost ended up in a choked sob, burying his head in her shoulder.

“I’m here..”

She whispered in his ear, kissing his temple, earning a tighter hug in reply instead of a word of thank you which he wasn't sure he'd manage to say. It felt like he wanted to cry but at the same time it was like the tears had lost their way and couldn't fall. She hushed him gently and placed her cheek against his temple while still running a hand through his hair.

 

 


	14. Not as planned

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not beta read :(

 

  
Rey slowly opened her eyes when a small beam of sunlight shone in on one of her eyelids. She inhaled deeply and ended it with a quiet yawn. Soft and deep breathes by her shoulder made her look down and smile. Kylo looked so peaceful when he slept beside her with his head on her shoulder, as if she was a pillow. Exactly when he had ended up so close she wasn’t sure of but she didn’t mind. He seemed completely out of it as if he hadn’t slept for a week, had she only known how much of that was true she might have been more worried than she was.

Her hazel eyes watched him sleep. He was indeed stunning this man so full of darkness. His long, dark eyelashes fanned over his cheeks, most people would be envious of them. She smiled shyly to herself and gently brushed a hand through his thick mane of hair and earned a small sigh one makes when feeling safe and secure while sleeping. How could a man like this carry so much darkness in him that he wanted to kill so many and for that matter, his own father? She furrowed an eyebrow. It didn’t make sense.  
  
There had to be some way to make him turn, to see the other point of view. Having a Senate was much better for the people of the galaxy than having one ruler to rule with an iron fist against people’s will and to his own agenda. Why didn’t he see that? Or was he so full of hurt that he couldn’t see straight and just wanted to run away from the past he deep down feared? Come to think of it once again they still weren’t that different. She didn’t have parents who loved her, he did. She was sold, he was denied the love he wanted. Both of them were denied value and constantly fought against others to prove them wrong and to show they did indeed have value in society and in their own lives.

Rey slowly leaned over and kissed his temple and secretly inhaled a bit of his personal scent. It still reminded her of sandalwood and musk. She looked down on his eyebrow and the scar she’d given him a while ago, her body tingled like static electricity by being this close to him still, it did every time they were close but it was felt more constant now and during the night, like steady heart beats. She kind of felt complete, secretly complete. How he had survived her blow with the lightsaber, she wasn’t sure but a part of her was happy he didn’t die. That was however something she’d deeply deny if anyone asked. She traced the scar with her eyes, from his eyebrow to the middle of his bare - muscular- chest, which her eyes just couldn’t help but trace along with his well trained biceps then back to the scar again. The man was a dream. The medical droids had made a good job patching it up but it would leave a scar for life. A part of her regretted giving it to him, another part wasn’t. Somehow it made him even more easy on the eyes, strangely enough. The adorable freckles on his shoulders somehow added to his beauty, something she’d put into her memory and keep secret for lonely nights.

She ran another hand through his waves of hair, earning a slight quirk of an eyebrow before Kylo took a deeper breath which ended up in a soft half asleep sigh. Kylo somewhat rubbed the side of his head on the pillow they shared before he started to slowly blink to wake up to the rising sun outside the tarp. His dark brown eyes looked golden in the sunlight when he looked up at her, being hit with the same ray of sunlight as she was when she’d first woken up. He blinked again, looking into her eyes for a moment before he touched her arm with a light hand as if to make sure she wasn’t a mirage.

“You’re still here?”

He mumbled mouth half way in the pillow and only inches away from her shoulder, his eyes glimmered. Rey smiled and nodded and ran another hand through his hair, this time he closed his eyes for a moment as she did, meeting her eyes again when she came to his neck with her fingers.

“Yes, I told you I was here last night, it’s not a force connection. I’m really here.”

Kylo was in the haze of still waking up, he leaned his lips against her naked lower side of her shoulder by the side of her arm wrappings and the edge of her clothes covering her shoulders. Not until then did he rise his head from the pillow and looked at her from top til toe and back, then glanced at himself only wearing pants underneath the blanket while sharing it with her from the waist down, thankfully hiding his morning glory which she wasn’t close enough to feel with her legs.

“Umh.. we didn’t...umh..?”  
  
She shook her head and smiled shyly and suddenly looked embarrassed but answered his question.

“No, we didn’t. I held you close for a while last night and you basically collapsed. You were quite fatigued so I let you sleep. It looked like you needed it, badly.”

Kylo bit his lip and put his head back on the pillow with a slight sigh. She watched him from her place on the pillow.

“Yeah, had bad nights lately.”

“Because of the shadows?”

She asked. He frowned and looked at her, not sure what she was talking about and it must have shown on his face more than he wanted to admit. She continued but ran her hand through his hair again while she did so. For some reason it made him feel calm inside. The tearing of his soul didn’t hurt as much as it usually did. Kylo moved a bit closer to her, placing his head on her shoulder instead of beside it.

“The dark shadowy cloud-like thing I chased away last night? It looked like it was trying to choke you or something. It had you pinned down on your back, you were choking so I stabbed it and it fled with a shriek, remember?”

Kylo furrowed his eyebrows again. He barely remembered, it was like a fragment of a thought he couldn’t put his finger on completely. It had all felt like a very unpleasant dream that he couldn’t remember the beginning of. It was strange that this shadow hadn’t appeared again now considering he had a hard on like he did every morning as well as being close to her and she consumed all his mind at the moment. Kylo however chose not to think twice about that for now, he was just happy he wasn’t mentally raped again, something he didn’t plan on telling Rey about.

“I just thought it was a bad dream… I’d rather not talk about it.”

Rey nodded and snaked her arm under his neck to hold him closer. He answered by pulling her closer with an arm around her shoulders. Kylo let his nose end up by the nape of her neck again and inhaled her softly as if he only took a deep breath to try and wake up. She smiled. He wasn't as subtle as he thought he was but she bit her lip and didn't say anything about it. Being this close was intoxicating just like before, this felt more intimate though. None of them would fade from view this time, none of them would disappear.

"I could stay like this..."  
  
He mumbled quietly against the nape of her neck, she barely caught the words but once she realized what he said, Rey just nodded and ran another hand through his hair and moved to the side to a better position, accidentally hitting his morning glory with her leg. Kylo groaned and grabbed her leg to stop her motion in the same second and covered himself up with the blanket more as well as covering his morning problem with his hand for possible second knees.

“oh God… I… I’m so sorry, I… I didn’t know… I...umh… are you.. I mean...are you eh God!... umh?”

Kylo cursed mentally and somewhat leaned half way towards his back and pulled his legs up a bit more to hide and protect, happy that the blanket covered him up. He closed his eyes in embarrassment as well as pain.

“Don't flatter yourself. You clearly don’t know as much about male anatomy as you should… It will pass as it does every morning.”

Rey suddenly blushed heavily and gasped quietly and sat up, Kylo grabbing the blanket to keep himself covered up and not show the bulge in his pants when she crawled out from under the tarp. Kylo couldn’t help but watch her behind as she did even thought it really didn't help, at all. She blurted out something about tea and disappeared outside. She was embarrassed and blushed in the color of a tomato it wasn't hard to see even though she didn't have her face towards him. Kylo on the other hand just made an approving sound of said tea-suggestion before he inhaled deeply to try and calm his arousal. He heard her try to start a fire out there but it didn’t really sound like a success.

Kylo remained under the blanket for several minutes until he felt himself finally go flaccid while trying to think of things he hated or disliked, and besides hearing Rey curse about not being able to start the fire was beginning to annoy him more than anything.

“Use the force, Rey”

He said and got up to sitting, grabbing his shirt as he got out of the tent to meet the day and the blue-green skies of Takodana.

“The force? To start a fire?”

Kylo nodded while trying to find the right way into his shirt, earning hot looks from Rey which she clearly thought he didn’t see. He pulled his arms through the sleeves before he pulled his head through as well, pulling the shirt down over his chiseled body, correcting one of the sleeves which had twisted a bit. Rey cleared her throat somewhat as he came closer and instantly looked at the unlit logs in the firepit.

“Close your eyes. Focus.”

He said calmly as the moment in the bed never happened, it confused her. She looked at him for a moment but eventually did as he requested. He told her to reach out with her hand, she did because it was easier to focus if you made hand movements. He traced her arm with his hand, standing next to her. Feeling the electrifying tingle in his body. He swallowed a shudder of pleasure and continued.

“Feel the force, find the warmth of the sun. Feel the wood in the logs, feel them burn hotter, magnify the sun’s rays on them by moving the foce, make them come closer to each other… feel them spark.”

As he spoke, he corrected her hand as if she was to grab something or reach for it with her palm down towards the fireplace, feeling the electrifying sparks between them just like when they’d slept beside each other but kept surpressing the feeling that tickled the back of his neck. He had to be careful or he'd get hard again. Rey naturally leaned her head up towards the sun to feel the warm sun rays on her cheeks. Kylo couldn’t help but watch her.

“Concentrate”

He said calmly. Not too soon after, the logs began to give out a small pillar of smoke and got burned on one side. He smiled, she was indeed a quick learner this girl.

“Good, imagine the entire logs burning, feel them burn by the will of the sun”

She took a deep breath and focused even more, visualizing how the fireplace burned by her will and by the help of the force shifting by her own will. Suddenly the small pillar of smoke whooshed into a full burning fire that earned Rey’s look of surprise that she actually made it. She stared at the fire as her jaw dropped somewhat. Kylo watched her, she looked up at him with glimmering hazel eyes.

“Ah! I did that! I started a fire with the force!”

Kylo couldn’t help but give her a one sided smile. She was indeed untrained but she had a lot of potential. Considering the fight they had in the forest of Takodana near Maz’s place, she was spectacular to be able to call to the force this fast compared to many others. It had taken Kylo a lot longer to manage a fire than he wanted to admit, but on the other hand he had been a lot younger when he started out too.

He reached down and fished the tea kettle up and walked over to the stream and filled it up, got back and put it on the fire and reached into his backpack, offering a piece of bread to her just as an alarm went off from his Ship. Kylo instantly looked up and made his way towards the cockpit without hesitation.

“What is it?”

Rey called to him as he climbed up and sat down in the seat.

“A Call”

He called back to her and plugged the earpiece in so he could talk without her hearing the entire call. She may be one hell of a woman, but she was still resistance unless he could turn her around so she could see his point of view.

The call didn’t last for long, mostly Kylo answering yes and no before clicking a few buttons in the cockpit with a dark look on his face.

“No, I still have enough fuel for that distance, 4 hours? Yes, I can make it on that time… No, I have to finish things up here first… Yes. No, No I’m not...mhm, Yes….. I will... Thank you, Supreme leader.”

Rey didn’t quite follow the discussion he had with whomever it was he was talking to. It was clear as soon as he was finished talking however, that it must have been Snoke he spoke to. The way he tossed the earpiece into the panel of the ship so it landed with a scramble on the ship's floor, she guessed it wasn’t any good news he was given. Kylo remained in the cockpit until the tea whistled that it was ready. Rey took it off the fire as he climbed down to the ground again.

“No good news?”

She asked. He quietly shook his head with a darker look on his face, darkness closer in his mind now than it had been before the call, it was almost eerie how he shifted. She handed him the tea cups and poured tea into them and placed the kettle down again, taking one of the cups from his hands. Both of them sunk down on the fallen tree, eating the now shared piece of bread. Kylo seemed brooding now and Rey wasn’t sure what to do to make him get into a better mood, if it was even possible. They remained in silence for a while before Kylo finally spoke.

“I have 4 hours before the Finalizer will be too far away for me to catch up to it with the fuel I have left in my ship.”  
  
He finally said after they’d sat there quietly drinking and eating. Rey looked up at him. He was leaving now when she’d come here? She looked worried and somewhat disappointed, he watched the flames of her fire licking the logs in the fireplace.

“You… are leaving? But I just got here I--”  
  
“I didn’t plan this Rey. Snoke ordered me back, I have to obey.”

“...Or you could leave?”

Kylo turned to look at her with a frown on his face. He studied her for a moment before he shook his head, holding his teacup in both his hands for the moment.

“No, I can’t… it’s not that simple, Rey. If I just got up and left, he’d hunt me down and he’d destroy everything around and close to me in pure spite. You don't know him like I do.”

Rey watched him. He was expressionless, she couldn’t read him at all. He was closed down like he had been before and it was kind of unnerving to say the least. She didn't like this side of him, this darkness.

“Then… I’ll come with you”

She said as a matter of fact more than asking for an invite to do so. He rose an eyebrow as if asking what she meant by that.

“I’ll come with you, I can help you fight him… Ben…I...”

Kylo clenched his jaws and flicked his eyes back to the fire again, she trailed off in her words. Kylo  finished the last bite of the bread he’d had in his hand and took another drink of the tea that came from Tatooine by various saved plants and seeds now growing on other planets. It seemed he had a mental battle with himself again that much she could tell from the stone face and dark eyes. After a few moments he quietly nodded.

“Very well.”

“I.. umh… I do need a ride though, Chewie dropped me off in an escape pod further into the forest… I have no way of getting off this planet otherwise.”

Kylo glanced her way and rose an eyebrow.

“You.. came here without any further plan on how to get off the planet?..."  
  
She shrugged, she just hadn't thought that far. Kylo slightly shook his head.

"I have a tractor beam on The Silencer, I can pull you behind. Even if I do this, it would burn too much fuel for me to return to The Finalizer unless we leave right away, I can’t wait 4 hours if I am to have a chance to reach them before the tank is empty…”

Rey simply nodded to his suggestion. Kylo couldn’t help but wonder why she was so eager to suddenly follow him but he wouldn’t complain, not at this moment anyway. They finished their breakfast and packed his little camp up until nothing was left but slight evidence that it had once been a fire burning on the ground on this spot. She showed where the escape pod was and they pulled it out to the little clearing he’d been camping in, together.

“Are you sure about this, Rey?”

She nodded quietly and got into the escape pod. He closed it for her and gave her one last look before he disappeared from view. Kylo got up into the cockpit with the ease of a feline. It seemed she didn’t have anything but her lightsaber with her, no backpack or anything. It seemed she hadn’t really planned this very well. On the other hand, she was young, at least 10 years younger than he was and she had lived on Jakku her entire life, scavengers didn't own much to begin with.

With a mental curse of the situation, Kylo fired The Silencer up and lifted from the ground and turned his ship around, maneuvering himself on top of the escape pod, hovering at a good distance for him to be able to hit the tractor-beam switch to toggle her along when he let his ship hover higher and higher before he took off in the line of catching up to The Finalizer, having Rey with him - _as ordered_.

This was _not_ the way he had hoped this day would go, not by a long shot.

 


	15. Will of mind, will of heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Unconsented sexual things will happen in this chapter. Things doesn't always work out as planned, it's all in the will of the mind, right? :3 
> 
> Still not beta-read :(

 

 

 

The flight towards The Finalizer felt like it took forever. Rey had begun to hesitate if this was really the right thing to do, willingly going into the lions’ den just to try and save Ben from the one he had become. Was it naivety or plain foolishness? Here she was basically in a casket in space, unable to do anything but tag along with the ship that tugged her along. They couldn’t communicate at all and she realized she never answered how long this flight would take? All she knew was that they had to go right away or the fuel wouldn’t last.

All she wanted was to save him, to bring out the good in him and take him away from the First Order and here she was trusting him all together even though she knew he really was the enemy, wasn’t he? She bit her lip while looking into space outside. From her point of view some stars moved quite fast past her viewpoint in the small window, others seemed fixed where they hung in their distance. She was nervous, she had no clue whatsoever what might happen once they landed on The Finalizer.

 

**~*~**

 

About two and a half hours later The Finalizer came into view from a distance but growing bigger every minute that passed. It was still a long way to go but Kylo still called into command to tell he was approaching. He could sense that Snoke already knew he was there and mentally cursed. He had hoped he’d get some time alone at least but it seemed he would have no choice but to go to him as soon as he got onto the ship.

Kylo began to shut down, to close his mind off from feelings as good as he could. He really didn’t want to take Rey to Snoke, he knew what would happen and it wouldn’t be a good outcome for her. Snoke would torment her until she died, or he’d make sure that Kylo killed her when Snoke was done with her. One way or another she would hurt if she lived at all after that meeting. Snoke’s words were obsolete however, he had no choice. He clenched his jaws, feeling the frustration rise within him, at least it was better than the alternative feelings towards Rey, something he didn’t want to wear on his sleeve once they entered the landing bay.

About an hour later he finally reached the hanger. He released the tug on the survival pod so it could land itself and flew in and placed his ship down on its place and got out of it, calling the guards to his side just as Rey landed.

She looked outside, first she only saw some smoke from the landing of the survival pod, then the ceiling of the hanger bay then, a dark figure clearing in the mist. She clinged tighter to the lightsaber in her hands and met eyes with Ben. She looked relieved first, he was there! He met her eyes and she was instantly hit by fear. His eyes were cold, he looked shut off but at the same time not at all proud of what he was going to do.

The lid of the pod opened, he instantly moved away to allow two guards to come closer to her - with handcuffs. Rey swallowed and looked at them, then glanced to Kylo who currently stood with his back towards her as if he didn’t want to see this part. She sat up before she slid down to stand on the floor. One of the guards took her lightsaber, the other put the cuffs on her.

_“Her lightsaber, sir”_

Kylo turned around and took it from the guard without a word. He didn’t look at her, not once but instead took her arm and gently shoved her forward towards an elevator. At that moment Rey realized he had to be forced to do this. He was at his base right now, he had to keep up the illusion of at least being the vicious fighter he really was when he was in full dark-mode as the persona he had chosen to be Kylo Ren.

He guided her to an elevator, both of them got inside and he pushed the button to where he needed to go. Kylo kept her in front of him, mostly so he wouldn’t have to fight to keep a straight face while his heart was so conflicted that the tearing of his heart had begun all over again, this time it was worse than before. His eyes were fixated on the floor levels blinking by with every floor they passed. Dread filled him by each number. Kylo clenched his jaws somewhat while holding her lightsaber in his right hand, letting the right hand’s wrist rest in his left one in front of him. He was conflicted. A part of him only wanted to grab her and run away, the other felt obligated to obey Snoke’s orders of brining the girl to him, which he currently was doing despite the fact it felt so wrong, having an idea of what Snoke would do to her after witnessing other meetings with rebels in Snoke’s hands. To Snoke she was the enemy and there the story ended.

“You don’t have to do this… I feel the conflict in you, it’s tearing you apart.”

Her voice was like water to a flame but he didn’t move, forced himself to fixate on the floor numbers passing them by. He fought hard to go against everything that felt right, just to do what didn’t feel comfortable.

“Ben…”  
  
She turned around, he couldn’t help but exhale a silent but trembling breath and let his eyes fall on her beauty. The way she spoke his name. It sounded like silk compared to many others. It was soft and even caring in a way, her eyes watched him with a look he couldn’t quite place in anything else but actual... care?

“When we touched hands I saw your future, just a shape of it but solid and clear…. You will not bow before Snoke.”

She stepped closer, his body tingled with that sweet sensation again, the sensation he just wanted more of, the sensation he couldn’t get enough of. The look in her eyes was honest. Just for a moment she glanced down to his lips and hesitated for a moment in the same moment Kylo’s heart skipped a beat. Was she his savior? Did he even dare to hope for anything like it to exist? She met his eyes again with those soft beautiful hazel gems.

“You’ll turn.”

He blinked, following her gaze, hesitating. He swallowed. Her eyes asked him to let her help him, asking him to trust her. Kylo wasn’t sure how to react when all he wanted to do was to kiss her then and there while he knew that when the elevator doors opened, she would be fed to the shark, most probably being torn limb from limb in a mental sense of mind.

“... I will help you”

She whispered sincerely. He searched her mind for lies, sensed her intentions but found nothing he could pinpoint as lies of deceit.

“I saw it”

How he wanted to believe her words, those sweet luring words. She was however not the only one who had shared a mental image of him, he too had seen a glimpse of her past. Kylo let her finished, watching her with soft eyes, feeling himself yearning for her in his very soul but at the same time being afraid to even wish for her to be with him.

“I saw something too...”

He replied, holding her gaze with his dark brown eyes. She studied him as he continued.

“Because of what I saw I know that when the moment comes, you will be the one to turn, you will stand with me… Rey, I saw who your parents are.”

He sounded so sure of himself while Rey herself sensed dread and worry that he wouldn’t accept her for who she was, knowing deep down who her parents were. She took a step back from him in fear at the same time the elevator began to show down and finally stop by the right floor. Rey instantly spun around to see where she was taken, the dread dropped like  a bomb in her chest when she saw a disfigured man in golden robes on a large throne. It wasn’t hard to figure out who this creature was. Fear slammed into her chest as quick as a popcorn seed explodes into a popcorn once it’s warm enough. She couldn’t help but exhale a trembling breath as her knees wanted to buckle over.

Rey willed herself to stand tall at the same moment she felt Kylo’s hand on her back, nudging her forward more gently than he most probably did with anyone else that had to visit this disgusting creature in front of them. The Praetorian guards stood in place by the red walls, each having their own choice of weapon where they were, standing still as if they were statues ready to kill.

Kylo’s footsteps echoed in the chamber, hers barely noticeable but she figured it was because she was used to walking on sand which was a way of almost ‘sneaking’ your way forward compared to his direct footsteps that rang of power. On the other hand Kylo was powerful to begin with but he was barely noticeable when it came to Snoke’s eerie radiance of being a force user.

**“Well done my good and faithful apprentice!... my faith in you, is restored!”**

Snoke grinned and had a pleased look in his eyes. Had Kylo disappointed him somehow? Rey couldn’t help but wonder while her heart beat fast in her chest despite her efforts of forcing herself calm while staring at the Galaxy’s most powerful being. She could hear Kylo stop behind her as she continued to walk a few more steps before she stopped. Rey heard rustling of Kylo’s clothes behind her, she could only  guess he knelt down on the floor, she was too afraid to look away from Snoke to dare to shoot a glance over her shoulder.

 **“Young** **_Rey_ ** **…”**

Snoke purred. The words felt drenched in wicked intent. She steeled herself, watching the creature in the golden robes, refusing to see him as a man that he might have possibly have been once upon a time. She shuddered by the way he said her name.

**“Welcome...”**

No, it didn’t get better when Snoke actually smiled, the look in his gleaming eyes was way too sinister to come out as anything else buy creepy. Rey swallowed again, mentally trying to take a breath just as he did with a trembling inhale in an attempt to try and calm her fear. This was not what she had hoped for when she went with Kylo, not at all.

By the slight flick of Snoke’s fingers, her shackles unlocked and fell heavily to the black marble floor. Rey couldn’t help but twist her wrists a bit when the weight of them disappeared. Her hatred of Snoke was however growing in her mind, that inner spark was slowly beginning to turn into a flame.

**“Come closer child….”**

She didn’t move, Rey stood her ground while glaring at him. He looked so full of himself, a classic narcissist enjoying to play with his chosen pawns to get what he wanted in the game he had created for himself to gain as much of the game-plan as he could, in this case - The galaxy.

**“So much strength…”**

He grinned, watching her, studying her every intent. Was he mocking her attempt of standing her ground against him? Rey clenched her jaws.

**“Darkness rises... and light to meet it.”**

He motioned with one hand as darkness, the other as light. He put his hands together as if dark and light was one part of each other, one each being a half of a circle. He smirked and kept talking.

**“I warned my young apprentice that when his power grew stronger, his equal in the light would rise.”**

His right hand slightly flicked, causing her lightsaber in Kylo’s hand to swoosh past her and land in his hand as if he had held it all along. It was unnerving how easy this power of the force came to this monster. Rey knew that she was no match by far against him, but yet she refused to just bow down and accept her fate. If anything she’d die trying to kill this man because of who he was and what title he held.

**“Skywalker I assumed… wrongly”**

He grinned again and as soon as he had placed her lightsaber on the side of his throne. Rey couldn’t help but feel a bit uneasy by him mentioning Skywalker, the man who had refused to rise against this man, leaving only Kylo to be some form of hope. She wasn’t by far, ready to stand against Snoke, not by a longshot. She was however making herself believe she at least had to try if she would have one little chance of getting away from here alive.

 **“** **_Closer_ ** **I said”**

He almost purred. Snoke made another flick with his hand, forcing her to almost float towards him as if she was nothing but a ragdoll tied to a string. Mentally she panicked by his action but she forced herself to remain strong on the outside. If anything she’d do it for Kylo even though he seemed not moving at all behind him by the lack of sound. She somewhat soared towards Snoke, towards his throne and up the little ramp.

“You underestimate Skywalker... and Ben Solo… and me.... It will be your _downfall_.”

Rey clenched her hands into fists as she finally stopped, now standing right in front of Snoke on the platform where his throne was. He only got more intimidating this up close. He reeked of power but she stood her ground, she had to. It was the only thing she had left at the moment. Snoke almost seemed amused at her attempts of sounding strong willed, he couldn’t help but mock her somewhat.

**“Oh, have you seen something, a weakness in my apprentice? Is that why you came?”**

Snoke began to laugh, clearly amused of what Rey had just said. It seemed he had the upper hand in the game he’d made for himself. Clearly his ‘pawns’ had played the hand he’d given them.

 **“Young fool… It was** **_I_ ** **who bridged your minds. I stoked Ren’s conflicted soul, I knew he was not strong enough to hide it from you… and** **_You_ ** **, were not wise enough to resist the bait.”**

Snoke grinned wickedly. Another betrayal. Kylo flicked his eyes from the floor, now watching what played out in front of him. His master, his own Master had played him like a pawn? Had it been him and Rey that Snoke had spoken about with Hux when he came into the throne room a while ago, speaking of having them tied on a string? Was Kylo the one Snoke had referred to as a ‘rabid cur’? Or had he said that line because he knew Kylo was coming there just to throw him off? Was Kylo this rabid cur his master had spoken of that sat on a high seat? The question kept swirling unpleasantly in his mind, It didn’t seem better at the moment. thoughts of his father’s last words to him crept in his mind. _‘Snoke is using you for your power, he will crush you’_. Kylo’s heart was torn in half. He wanted to help Rey, but he also wanted to believe Snoke to be the one to rely on, now he didn’t know what to believe

Snoke had been his savior when Luke had tried to kill him, he had been the one to comfort him, to teach him the way of the force. Snoke was the one who had been there to build him up -- or so he thought, when he had killed Luke’s padawans. He had gained the title of Jedi Knight, the next step towards becoming a Jedi Master and he had become so under Snoke’s teachings. Here he was, now betraying him by using Kylo’s own weaknesses against him like he was nothing but a resistance fighter being tossed for slaughter. Problem was, Kylo couldn’t do anything from here even though his torn mind had a hard time making up its mind on what to do if anything at all in the situation he found himself in.

Snoke grinned, looking at the girl being so close to him. If it had been possible, he would drink the fear she radiated. He watched her eyes, entered her very soul. His eyes a dull color of gray but with a hint that they might have been clear blue once. His eyes traced Rey’s body from top ‘til toe.

 **“I** **_must_ ** **say, Ren… I did not expect such a small specimen to be in your liking. I expected more of a fighter for you… I suppose she may be more than what she looks - skin and bones, too slim… But perhaps that’s how you like them?”**

Kylo clenched his jaws, looking at the two on Snoke’s throne. He didn’t notice Snoke’s slight hand movements while his Master kept his eyes fixed on Rey’s body as if he was a hungry lion figuring out where to sink his teeth first. Kylo swallowed and watched them. The shadows crept around him, slithering their way into his mind.

Snoke watched Rey while she fought to keep her gaze upon him. She trembled where she stood even though the look in her eyes was more than fiery and sharp. Snoke grinned again, watching her struggle with herself mentally, sensing Kylo’s inner turmoil as well, but for the time being, the girl seemed to be more interesting than he was.

Snoke looked rey over again, from top ‘til toe, letting his clawlike hands trace her arm from the shoulder to her wrist. He followed his own hand as he traced her side, just along side of her breast, then ribs and waist. Kylo blinked a few times, fighting his want to run up there and save her by robbing him of her and run out, or just simply wanting to kill Snoke for what he was playing at. His pulse raced in his chest and yet he seemed to remain on his right knee and left foot where he had placed himself since they arrived. Kylo was slightly perspirating by now, fighting his inner turmoil and ending up with nothing while Snoke kept at his game.

**“Kneel”**

Snoke forced her down to her knees by mind alone, she fought to try and stand but it didn’t work, he was way too strong for her, she knew that. It only ended up as frustrated growls and anger from her side. She was indeed strong this one, he couldn’t deny that fact. That part Ren was correct about, but she wasn’t stronger than Snoke, not by a long shot. The golden robed man had a sinister look in his eyes and it went along with a wicked smile.

**“Come closer, girl.”**

Rey didn’t move, she just glared at him with a look full of complete hate. It wasn’t the first time he’d seen that look in anyone though and probably not the last he thought. The girl didn’t comply, causing Snoke to force her closer by making a slight movement with two fingers, urging the force to do the job she refused to do.

 **“** **_Closer_ ** **, I said”**

“You won’t get away with this!”

**“Oh, I think I will, girl”**

Snoke leaned forward on his throne, only inches away from her face and placed a hand by her head almost clawing the back of her head with his sharp claw like fingernails. He stared her down, right into her very soul, she swallowed the panic the best she could but she was sure he could smell it on her.

 **“Do you know why? … Because I’m the** **_strongest one_ ** **here… And I feel** **_every intent_ ** **in this room. No One can stop me.”**

Kylo’s pulse was so fast he was sure even the praetorian guards in their red armor could hear it while he watched Snoke play around with Rey like she was nothing more than a prey in a lion’s den. Snoke leaned back in his throne and spread his legs somewhat, pushing his golden robes aside while watching Rey. Her head was in the way but it wasn’t hard to figure out what Snoke was forcing her to do. She protested and growled ‘no’ several times before her sounds were muffled by something that clearly wasn’t hard to figure out what it was.

Kylo was almost on his way to rise from where he stood on his right knee. Whispers of her not being worthy, that she was a scavenger whore lured in his mind while Kylo tried to fight himself and the dark thoughts that seemed to linger in his mind. It didn’t do much good of course, it never did. Snoke knew the force better than he did, he was his master and he had only risen to the title of Knight, not yet a master.

Snoke leaned his head back on the throne and spread his legs a bit more. A soft and pleased moan slipped through his lips as Rey’s head bobbed back and forth in his lap. By the sounds of it, she clearly wasn’t doing this willingly but Snoke didn’t care. She was rebel scum, she was like anyone else in the resistance - not worth a dime more than he could spend. Granted she was a bit more like a jewel than anything considering the strength she held in the force for being untrained.

 _Not worth it, she was nothing more than a scavenger whore, she was spoiled now like rotten fruit, was she not? Yes, she was._ The shadows licked his mind, darkening his thoughts no matter how many times he tried to blink them away.

 **“** **_That’s_ ** **a good girl”**

Snoke purred and placed his hands on each side of his throne while keeping Rey where she was by force-hold alone. She couldn’t move her hands or her body unless he willed her to. It sounded like she was gagging off and on by Snoke’s forced movements of her. A light hand-movement and she moved faster over Snoke’s shaft. Kylo’s master almost seemed to purr while he watched Kylo watch them, loving the fact Kylo couldn’t do anything more than to watch it all happen.

The look in the boy’s eyes shifted from hate to panic, to fear to helplessness then back to anger. It was a beautiful thing to watch really. The boy closed his eyes while the shadows whispered, he failed to see the slight movement of a finger while Snoke inhaled in pleasure of Rey’s mouth. _Unworthy, unbalanced, a child in a mask… that’s what you are_ … swirling, teasing, taunting. _Grow up, become the next Vader, make your master proud. You can get whatever you want, a scavenger is beneath you_. Kylo swallowed again and choked a whimper by clenching his jaws. He could hear Snoke coming closer to his climax.

The young Solo broke a sweat due to his mental turmoil, he wanted to throw up then and there. He felt cold and clammy on the outside while his insides were being torn apart. His heart raced just as

fast as his mental fight. Kylo closed his eyes and clenched both jaws and fists tighter, trying to focus in all that was going on.

_“...Ben”_

He blinked, staring at the floor. He’d parted his lips somewhat to be able to breathe better than through his nose. He was trembling by the effort of fighting his heart and his mind, or was it his mind fighting his heart? It could drive any man insane.

_“Ben!”_

Something echoed in his mind, something he couldn't put his finger on what it was, something familiar. He didn’t want to hear his Master climax though, no matter what the whispers told him. Some things were supposed to be left where they were in a dark corner of the drawer you never opened, this was one of those things. Kylo hissed a frustrated exhale out through his mouth.

“What are you doing to him! _Let him go!_ ”   
  
Rey’s voice was unheard by Kylo’s ears where she stood in front of Snoke. He chuckled lightly as if it was all a game to be played and he held all the strings to the puppets in his show. Rey managed to glance back at Kylo behind her. A slight dark shadow seemed to linger around his head. His eyes were blank, staring into nothing while his ears were hidden in darkness. He was sweating by the mental stress he was going through and Rey couldn’t help but feel sorry for him. She looked back at Snoke with a furious look in her eyes.

“You! _You_ are the one doing this to him! _Tormenting_ him!”

Snoke grinned wickedly again, a smug smile with pure sadism in his eyes.

 **“As I said, young Rey. _I_ am the _strongest_ one here. ** **_No one_ ** **can deceive me, I feel** **_every_ ** **intent in this room, I can play on** **_every string I want._ ** **”**   
  
She choked a growl, cursing this damned creature in front of her then continued to call out to Kylo with her mind. Somewhere he had to see through Snoke’s mind-games, right? She needed to concentrate, what could she do to make him wake up from Snoke’s nightmares. It all made sense now. The vision she saw earlier when they’d touched hands, all of it. Snoke was in Kylo’s mind, twisting and turning his thoughts to be unrecognizable from who Ben really was on the inside. No wonder he felt conflict inside. Heart saying one thing, his mind being told another.

Snoke leaned forward and moved his clawlike hand towards her, almost touching her as he made the connection with her mind. It wasn’t hard at all to be honest, not for him. Snoke, Supreme Leader, the one person no one could fool.

 **“** **_Now_ ** **… You will give me Skywalker… Then I will kill you with the** **_cruelest_ ** **stroke.”**

She glared at him, trying to defy him with both eyes and mind.

  
“No.” 

Snoke grinned, piercing her mind with the force to will the information out of her on where to find Luke Skywalker, to will the memory of the map out of her mind. How much pain she would be in all depended on her will to fight him, but he would win in the end he knew that and it made him bathe in a mental arousal to play with these puppets in front of him.

  
**“** **_Yes_ ** **”**

He said and made a hand movement that tossed her away from his throne platform and into the very air between him and Kylo. He pierced her mind as violently as popping a balloon with a needle, feeling her mental defences crack.

 **“Give. Me…** **_Everything_ ** **”**

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay of posting this chapter, life got a grab on me as well as a slight fussy muse that didn't know what she wanted with this chapter until now >< I had to push her to get anywhere x) Thank god for good music to spark the muse!
> 
> Hope you'll like the outcome! :3 Please do comment on what you think of this fic ^_^; (unless I'm writing for only me here? xD *writer's insecurity* ) 
> 
> I will try to get the next chapter up during the week but if I don't make it, don't hate me! getting visits during the upcoming weekend (also getting new wallpapers put up by landlord x) )


	16. Breaking point

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something's gotta give, right?  
> (mentioning of previous chapter's abuse)
> 
> Still not Beta-read :\ If you want to be my beta, please poke me! :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the hold up! Life caught me, but I did warn in the previous chapter it might be a little longer before my next update :3 Chapter's not as long as I'd wanted it, but I hope it's still to your liking ^_^ <3

 

 

 _Spoiled by Snoke’s actions, she was beneath him, she was rebel scum. Kylo could have anything he wanted so why would he choose a rebel, an enemy of the first order?_ A drop of sweat trickled down along his temple towards his jawline. It felt like he was trapped in a nightmare that never ended. The pain inside burned like hot blue flames, the anxiety raged in him along with his indecisiveness. He was told one thing so why did his heart protest?

_“Ben!”_

  
Snoke was pleasing himself with her as if she was nothing else but a whore and it hurt Kylo if anything. Kylo clenched his fists where he stood. The whispers told him lies, they told him what to believe and what to trust. They were like dark tendrils swirling their way into his mind, into the deepest core of what he was. He frowned, this wasn’t right, it couldn’t be right.

He began to focus, not on what the whispers said, but where they came from all while he tried to shut the sounds of Snoke getting himself off with Rey’s mouth out of his mind. He began searching, concentrating, focusing. _Find the source_ , Luke had once told him. _Follow the traces_. The force was built up like small strings that connected everything everywhere. Depending on who moved and how, you could sense where they were, not too unlike a spider with its web, except for the fact the force was everywhere and in everything. Atoms were too large to be just one net. One atom was built up by millions if not even more strings inside, moving along with everything like a spider’s web in the wind. It moved differently depending on if it was a storm or a breeze moving past, or for that matter - a feeling.

This particular feeling was divided in two. One felt dark and luring, the other felt light and safe. The luring part whispered sweet words, promises of things he wanted, the other felt like a cool breath after standing too close to a fire. At first he wasn’t sure which one to follow and found himself in a crossroad with three roads. One part he came from, the other went to the left, the other to the right in a T-shape. _Focus_ , Luke’s words whispered in his mind even though he didn’t want to admit it was his voice at all, a slow vibration from an old jedi lesson back in the jedi temple about five years ago.  
  
Kylo took a deep trembling inhale where he stood on one knee in Snoke’s chambers. On the outside it didn’t look like much more than he had closed his mind and eyes, waiting for it all to be over and done with while Snoke played with Rey hanging in the air.

Left or right? Light or dark? Kylo kneeled in the middle of the crossroad and removed his gloves. He placed it on the grovel and let his heart tell him where to go. Which feeling came from where? Eventually he sensed which path promised what. The left whispered of promises of power and greatness, the right whispered of calm and safety.

Kylo rose and looked at the left path, feeling the want for power whispering to him. He wanted to become stronger than Vader ever since he was a child. His hero and best friend to talk to. Not that he ever replied as far as he knew. Sometimes he got sensations here and there but he wasn’t sure what they meant and they rarely went with how he saw his grandfather and what the man had started so many years ago before his death.

_“Ben! Please!”_

Kylo turned to the right side, placing his back to the left road, the road he’d come from now to his right. There was no going back. _Leave the past behind, kill it if you have to_. A strange calm came over him as he looked at the path that was now ahead of him. The pain inside seemed less than it had been before. It didn’t offer that much but there was a slowly growing longing for that soft cool breath of air to be inhaled. He swallowed and took a deep breath and slowly let it out through his nose. The calling of his name seemed clearer on this path he stood before. Something in that voice was familiar, something he longed to know more about. The dark tried to lure him back to the left, call him in with promises of things it knew he wanted. The darkness tried to reach out with tendrils of shadow gripping after his form but just didn’t reach far enough to get hold of him this time.

He took a step towards the echoing voice. It was far away but it seemed to come closer by every careful step he took. At first it was a whisper like a lover wanting someone to wake up in the morning. The further he went the more raised the voice became, the more desperate it sounded.

_“BEN! HELP ME!”_

Rey. It was Rey calling to him! Kylo began to run as fast as he could on the road ahead, dropping his gloves as he did. With a snap, Kylo was back in the chamber with Snoke who held Rey in the air by the force alone. The shadows screamed so loud in panic and pain it hurt his ears as their hold of him crumbled in his mind. He had snapped back just in time to hear Rey’s panicked scream as Snoke penetrated her last wall, getting what he wanted by a lot more force than he needed to. The moment after, she fell to the floor in front of him.

 _She_ was his path, not Snoke. He was hurting the only good thing in Kylo’s life, the one person that wanted to lift his heart instead of crushing it. At the same moment he realized this and by the look of it, none of what he had seen about Snoke getting Rey on her knees had happened. Another mind trick?  
  
The anger bubbled in his mind, the want to kill rose until he was throat deep in it. Had looks been able to kill, he would have killed the second he came out of the unwanted trance which Snoke most lightly had put him in.

Rey spun around from landing on her back, to lay on her side and left lower arm, looking back at Snoke as he spoke about Luke and his wishes to die on the Island of his choosing.

**“Well well! I did not expect Skywalker to be so wise! We will give him and the jedi-order the death he desires. After the rebels are gone, we will go to his planet and obliterate the entire Island! ”**

Rey got back up in a flash movement and instantly reached out to get her lightsaber from Snoke’s throne. He replied with almost rolling his eyes at her, waving two fingers slightly in the air, causing the lightsaber to fly past her and above Kylo’s head before it made a u-turn, hitting her in the head before it made its way back to rest on Snoke’s throne.

**“Such spunk”**

Snoke said, not at all impressed by her actions, at least not on the outside. Rey on the other hand was fighting for her life and wouldn’t quit that easily! Snoke made a slight wave motion with his right hand, glaring at her.

 **“Look here now…”**  
  
Rey was instantly grabbed in a force-hold again and was tossed towards one of the chamber windows. She flew towards a huge magnifying glass which was aimed at one of the larger ships along with several small ones in front of it along with a bigger ship in the middle of them.

**“The entire resistance on those transports...”**

Rey gasped in horror as the large ship fired upon the small transports that held all that was left of the resistance fleet. Her friends. Finn, Leia, Chewie! Her heart raced, she had to stop this somehow!

 **“Soon they will** **_all_ ** **be gone”**

Snoke watched her while explaining things to her, so sure of himself and what was going on. He had faith in his soldiers, he knew he would win this war then and there.

**“For you… all is lost.”**

_No._ She refused to believe that! Rey swung around and instead of reaching for her lightsaber again, she turned to Kylo and instantly called for his. Not even Snoke had the chance to react before she held Kylo’s saber in her hands. Kylo was surprised more than anything. This move he couldn’t have foreseen in the best of dreams. Her will of wanting to fight was slowly giving him strength to want to do the same. In an instant the Praetorian guards reacted, placing themselves in an attack position that suited their fighting style and weapon of choice. Snoke stilled his guards with a light hand movement, pausing them where they stood.

 **“Oooh, still that fiery spit of hope. You have the spirit of a** **_true_ ** **jedi!”**

Rey attacked head on, running towards Snoke with the intent to kill then and there. Snoke let her come a few running steps forward before he pointed towards the area where Kylo was, sending her flying through the air like she was nothing but a leaf in the wind. she screamed in surprise and frustration before she landed on her back. Kylo’s lightsaber shut off as it swirled on the floor and stopped in its tracks, still spinning in front of Kylo. He watched it, then looked up at Snoke with a look that could kill, still feeling that anger feeding his will to take lives. He didn’t move more than acknowledging it was there while watching his Master.

 **“And because of that… You must** **_die_ ** **.”**

Snoke said as a matter of factly almost as if he was a teacher having a lecture on how things worked in his game. He waved his hand again, grabbing her by force-hold alone but keeping her on her knees, turning her around to face Kylo.

**“My worthy apprentice. Son of darkness, heir apparent to Lord Vader. Where there was conflict, I now sense resolve. Where there was weakness, strength. Complete your training and fulfill your destiny!”**

Kylo watched her as Snoke spoke to him. He said nothing to the words about heir. This was yet again a trick of words and his biggest fear - that he wouldn’t become as strong as his grandfather. It silently made him wonder how long Snoke had played on his fears to get Kylo to do what he wanted, but it was something he’d have to contemplate later. He leaned down and gripped his lightsaber with his right hand before he rose to a stand in front of Rey. Her eyes softened but she was both worried and fearful.

“I know what I have to do”

Kylo said, speaking to her. She whispered his name as if asking if he was referring to what had been said in the elevator before they got where they were now. He didn’t reply with words, but his eyes  asked her to trust him through that look of pure hate and darkness. Snoke chuckled, clearly amused by what he was reading through intentions.

**“You think you can turn him? Pathetic child!”**

Snoke chuckled again having that sinister look of having all the power of his game as he watched the pawns on his playground.

 **“I can not be betrayed, I can not be beaten… I see his** **_mind_ ** **. I see his** **_every_ ** **intent!”**  
  
Snoke sounded so sure of himself. His narcissistic personality would be his downfall, he just didn’t know it yet. Kylo kept focusing on that need to kill, directing it towards Rey even though deep in his mind he knew exactly what he was going to do; finally. He was strong enough now, She was here, he was strong enough with her help. Balance. Snoke breathed as if he was getting aroused by the situation he saw at hand thrilled that he’d be able to watch one of the last possible jedi warriors fall. If he couldn’t watch Skywalker fall, he’d take watching Rey fall on Kylo’s blade. It was almost too much to bear, too pleasing to the mind!

Snoke closed his eyes to allow himself to bathe in the sensations of fear and killing instincts along with the mental arousal of his own mind. Failing to watch Kylo’s discrete hand movements of his left hand, while focusing on what he was doing with his right, mirroring the movements of both lightsabers, only one was in his hand, the other lay beside Snoke where he sat on his throne. Kylo’s brown, dark eyes completely focused on Rey while concentrating to get away with all this without Snoke noticing.  
  
**“Yees... I see him turning the lightsaber to strike true... And now** **_foolish child,_ ** **he ignites it... and _kills_ his ** **_true enemy_ ** **!”**

 


	17. Torn apart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You're nobody, but not to me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for not updating for a while. Life bit me in the bum. I've moved to another city, became single, lost my job and a lot of other crap! Still not completely back on track but it's a bit better at least :3 
> 
> No warnings for this chapter, per usual it's not beta read. If you feel up for it, poke me if you want to beta my work! :)

 

 

 

 

It all happened so fast. She barely had time to think before a shocked but painful scream was heard but it wasn’t from her lips as she had expected. The second after she fell to the ground when the force-grip was released as Snoke went down, pierced by her lightsaber laying on his throne’s armrest, controlled by Kylo.

Rey landed on her side and looked up towards Snoke who was behind her, and saw he had indeed been pierced, elbow through his entire midsection as well as his left wrist. Not even the praetorian guards’d had time to react. Truly a deceit worthy of a jedi to say the least. He looked as surprised as Rey felt she was. Not a moment later, her lightsaber came flying towards her by Kylo’s demand with a flick of two fingers. She grabbed it as soon as it was close enough, it had never felt better to get hold of it again.

Rey turned around, looking at Kylo as she scrambled to her feet, hearing Snoke’s heavy upper body fall to the floor at the same time. The stench of burned flesh was close in the air but all she could do was to try and not focus on it. Kylo looked shocked and scared as well as relieved by what he just did but he reflected all at once as he met her eyes. He asked her by a single look if he would have to fight her too now, or if they were on the same side.  Rey could only hope that this was the action that would tip the scale and make him turn back to the light, there were no time to talk now however. The movement of the praetorian guards basically made the choice for them both on which side to stand. In the guards’ eyes they were both guilty of killing their master.

The eight guards came closer, Kylo and Rey reacted instantly ending up back to back which clearly was the best line of defence for them both. At this moment they were equals, both fighting for survival in the claws of darkness. The first blow was hard and precise, but Rey managed to block it, Kylo did the same from the guard who attacked him. It felt like the battle went on forever from the moment it started and the guards felt more like fifty than eight, they just kept coming! Somewhere in the zone of surviving, Rey felt like she began to move on her own, like the blocks, sidesteps and attacks just came naturally somehow. At the same time she felt Kylo close even though they had somehow been separated during the battle, exactly where they had sidestepped to end up on the other side of the room from one another she wasn't sure. During some point it felt like they were fighting as one but in two separate bodies. Only the fact that he had moved his leg back so she got his strength of hip-movement to cross over to her when she kicked a guard away was a strong indication that they were somehow linked in skill during battle. Perhaps it was after that, they had become separated in the movements of survival, ducking and sidestepping to avoid hits.

Kylo heard a sudden scream of both anger and pain coming from Rey. A guard had managed to hit her upper arm during battle. It wasn't more than a scratch and a bad burn mark, but it made him furious to even know she was getting hurt and even more so when it was his fault that the praetorian guards attacked at all since it was by his hand, Snoke had finally fallen. He couldn’t get to her side to help her, he was stuck fighting three guards at once, all he could do was curse mentally, close his eyes for a slight inhale of focus to get back to the guards and not Rey’s pain and then fight on until he had finished them all. She was doing a good job he couldn’t deny that, he just didn’t want to see her hurt because of him.

It felt like the battle went on without end before the last guard finally fell. Rey had fought her last enemy who’d had nasty tricks up his sleeve but had managed to outwit him only to find Kylo stuck and almost strangled by his last enemy and without holding his lightsaber to defend himself with. Without even thinking she threw her lightsaber to him as soon as she realized he had lost his, calling his true name as she did so. Kylo caught the lightsaber instantly and hit the switch, in turn piercing the last guard’s face with the lightsaber in an instant. The guard fell to the ground and Kylo could remove the weapon which had almost killed him, had Rey been a few moments late. He inhaled deeply, glad to have his breath back.

Kylo rose and tossed the guard's blade away, still holding Rey’s lightsaber in his left hand when he approached the throne where only the upper half of Snoke still remained sitting. His upper half laying flat on his chest on the floor beneath. Somehow Kylo only felt like this was a new beginning, a new chance to start over. His abuser was dead and his heart felt a lot lighter than before. So many years he had dreamed of this moment, to see his true suppressor unmoving and split in half. So many times he had tried and failed to stand up against Snoke but with nothing had seemed to work. The monster had always foreseen his attacks, always stopped them and Kylo had been the one stuck with pain, anxiety and feeling guilty and worthless after each attempt. Yet, he had never been one to stop trying for some reason even though Snoke had always been too strong to reach. Thanks to Rey, this had been possible. He wasn’t sure if he was supposed to laugh or not as he exhaled a trembling breath. Was this truly over? Rey ran up to the window, calling for him to stop the fleet that attacked her rebel friends, he had the power didn't he? All Kylo could do was look at the defeated enemy on the throne, he fished his lightsaber up as he walked towards it, looking at Snoke's corpse.

“It’s time to let old things die…”

He said, somewhat out of breath after the fight but still staring at the dead body. It felt like he could breathe for the first time in ages. Had he been suppressed so far down under the surface he had forgotten what it felt like to breathe? He hadn't even realized until now.

“Snoke, Skywalker, the sith, jedi... the rebels, let it all die.”

He said calmly between catching his breath from all the fighting. He turned to Rey and walked up towards her slowly.

“...Rey, I want you to join me.”

He said, not really sure where the words came from but it made sense somehow. She was his equal. She had never used force with him, never been anything but truthful to him even though the words she had spoken to him in the beginning had been harsh, at the same time it had been words he needed to hear to realize things about himself he had come to realize. Somehow this force-connection also made her talk to him without being able to harm him by fighting, which in turn had let him get to know her, and she getting to know him since all they had been able to do was talk. That it had lead to kisses and hugs later on was another matter, but one he couldn't deny he actually liked.

“We can rule together and bring a new order to the galaxy.”

Kylo continued, reaching his right hand towards her, asking her to take it and to accept his offer to be with him, to join him in the fight of the galaxy's existence. At first she looked almost shocked to hear his words, didn’t she understand what he wanted to achieve with all this? Didn’t she see what chance they had to get everything right together? Her eyes became tearful as she watched him. He didn't understand.

Rey tried to keep the tears away but it was hard. The hope she’d once felt only moments ago when he took the first step towards the light, by killing the darkness on the throne, seemed washed away. It felt like it cut so deep it hurt the very core of who she was. Perhaps a part of her had hoped he would follow her to the rebel side after this? She wasn’t sure herself, at least not sure of anything but the hurt she felt inside due to his words. Why couldn’t he see that a martyr on a throne couldn’t achieve the same level of understanding of all sides that a counsel could where all could be pleased and not suppressed and forced to do things they didn't want to?

“Don’t do this Ben, please don’t go this way.” she pleaded.

“No, no. You’re still... holding on. _Let go!_ ”

Kylo instantly felt the flame of frustration flush through him from the very core of darkness he had been taught to nourish. He raised his voice at her for the first time. Why didn’t she understand the opportunity they had now when his abuser was gone? He was almost free to do whatever he wanted. Granted he would still have to play his cards well to get Hux’ army to do what he wanted, but that wasn’t something he couldn’t work around. Kylo collected himself, forced himself calm again. She didn't take to yelling much or forcing her, he knew that by now.

“Do you want to know the truth about your parents?”

Kylo asked quickly, wanting to perhaps bargain with her to stay? He wasn't sure himself. All he wanted was her to stay, his heart screamed for her to understand him, to want to be with him! Rey was basically the only thing he had left in the dark sea he felt he was slowly drowning in. Kylo had never lied to her once, and nor would he do so now. He blinked and took a step forward, looking at her at those tearful eyes of hers and what they told him, he slightly furrowed an eyebrow while reading her.

“... or have you always known?”

She looked like she’d been caught red handed and tried to hide it but failed. Kylo could sense it in her more than actually read it on her face while the tears finally broke free from her beautiful dark eyelashes, to form small streaks of sorrow and salt on her cheeks. He swallowed and took another step towards her. He felt for her, he understood the pain of feeling abandoned and alone so well that his heart sank with hers.

“You’d just hidden it away... you know the truth. Say it.”

Kylo told her, asking it of her. She had to hear her own words to be able to let the past go. Rey hesitated while more tears formed and trickled down on her beautiful cheeks.

“Say it”

He repeated, watching her, studying her while she wavered, not sure how to continue. To be able to grow stronger from the past you’ve lived, you had to acknowledge to yourself what you had gone through. Not until you accepted that, would you be able to get back up with a straight back when the past wasn’t weighing you down, forcing you down on your knees.

“They were nobody”

She finally said, quietly but the words were there. She had finally said them out loud. So many times she had hidden that away so far down in her mind that she hoped she would never find those memories again. The memories of watching her parents fly off in that ship, leaving her with Unkar Plutt on Jakku. The terror she’d had then when she realized they would never return for her no matter how many times she had cried for them, asking Unkar where they were but never really getting an answer. Well, at least not the answer she was looking for, so she had stopped asking. The same hurt came back to her heart now, standing here with Kylo. It felt like being abandoned all over again.

“They were filthy junk traders who sold you off for drinking money.”

Rey couldn’t help but sob loudly at the harsh truth. The memories tearing through her like a wild animal tore through living flesh, tearing her heart by every flashback of her life and every time she had felt alone and abandoned while being forced to look for parts of old crashed ships, just to be able to get any food at all to eat. Every day was a battle of survival, it had been even worse when she was a child even though she had begun by cleaning parts and not actually looking for them in the desert.

“They’re dead in a pauper’s grave in the Jakku desert… You have no place in this story,  you come from nothing. You’re nothing…”

Kylo rambled on even though the hurt was more than evident on her face. It felt like he was reminding her of how alone she was, how worthless she was. How could she even think she had any kind of chance to change her destiny? She was nobody from nowhere. She knew that, he knew that. Rey was just a scavenger girl with nothing but sand to her name. Her heart sank as her world slowly shattered into little pieces. She truly had nothing, didn't she?

“...But not to me”

Kylo added. Rey looked up from the floor with tears running down her face. She questioned his words with her eyes but didn’t say anything. Kylo’s eyes softened while he looked at her. Somehow it made her relax a bit because it felt like he cared, like she had meaning to him somehow despite the fact she was only a lowly scavenger. For a moment she almost felt sorry for him as well. He felt just as alone and abandoned as she had felt her entire life even though he seemed to have a family who loved him endlessly, she didn't.

“Join me…”

He said softly. His voice was soothing to the mind, pleading to her. Rey watched him through her tears, was he afraid? A sudden feeling that came from nowhere made her feel he was and that feeling only grew by her hesitation. She couldn't help but slightly furrow an eyebrow.

Kylo took a few steps closer and reached his right hand towards her. His anxiety was high. What if she denied him? What if she said no, did she understand what he was willing to give for her to stand by him? He would be alone with no one to lean on. His mistakes would be his own and he would have no one to guide him now when Snoke was gone. He swallowed a few times, clenching his jaws before he dared to even say the word he was thinking about using. A word he hadn’t used in years because it was a sign of weakness according to his former master.

“... _please_ ”

He finally whispered with a voice that trembled just as much as his outstretched hand was, waiting for her to take it, hoping for her to accept his offer. Kylo wanted to break down and cry just like she was but something inside made it impossible to even manage to get a tear out no matter how much he wanted to.

It felt like forever before her hand finally started to move towards him. Kylo’s heart raced in his chest even though he didn’t dare to hope. There was some kind of sadness in her eyes while she watched him,but he couldn’t figure out where it came from or what it meant.

A quick inhale from her as soon as she had made up her mind and she instantly called for her lightsaber in his hand, calling for it to come to her. Kylo reacted as soon as it left his palm and in the blink of panic, he grabbed it as well which resulted in the lightsaber getting stuck between them in the air. Both of them equally strong which made the lightsaber vibrate where it was in the air between them without moving to either side, just out of reach for both of them.

She had to go, he wanted to stay but he knew that if she took the lightsaber, Rey would leave and somehow find her way back to the rebels, the enemy. Kylo didn’t want that, he wanted her to stay and if that lightsaber was the only thing keeping her here he would try to hold on to it for as good as he could. He didn’t even care of the fear of being denied when what he offered, didn’t get accepted and would show on his face or not. Rey on the other hand seemed determined to get the lightsaber so she could try to help her rebel friends. No matter how much each of them tried, the jedi weapon wouldn’t move.

The lightsaber rattled and shook and the more they called for it, the more it trembled and vibrated as the power inside it began to build by being torn. The kyber crystal inside began to glow when it was torn so violently from both sides. The power in the jedi pull from them made friction inside, loading the crystal with too much power and all of a sudden, it lit up when the lightsaber cracked in two. In turn both Kylo and Rey were tossed to each side of the room due to the shock wave of the blast, knocking them both violently to the floor.

Rey fell on her back so hard it knocked the breath out of her, causing her to painfully gasp for air a while before she managed to sit up again and look around. One of the halves of the lightsaber rested beside her, the other was on the floor by Kylo who wasn’t moving at all where he was on his back. She scrambled to her feet, fishing the one part of the lightsaber with her and hurried over to him. She fished up the other half of the lightsaber and checked Kylo’s pulse and breath. He was alive, only knocked out thankfully enough.

“I’m so sorry Ben… I never wanted this. I never wanted you to get hurt in all this. I didn't want anyone to get hurt.”

She whispered to him where he was passed out on his back with arms and legs sprawled all over. She cried for him, she couldn’t help it but she did while she ran a gentle hand through his beautiful dark hair and tilted his head towards her.

“If you truly want to be with me. Then come back to the light, Ben. I won’t share the darkness with you. The world needs balance. The first Order is chaos and I can’t stand behind that, we need to rise above it all to look at the bigger picture. All you see is a box while I look inside it and see how many people are getting hurt by all this. I don’t want to hurt anybody. There is too much hurt in the world already. We need to heal it with love and compassion.”

She slowly leaned down and gave him a gentle kiss on the lips before she carefully turned him to his side. Something she had learned helped if someone was unconscious. If they’d throw up while being on their back it could go down the wrong way and end up in the lungs and that would end up badly. The person would basically drown in their own vomit. Since Rey wasn’t sure how hard he must have hit his head to pass out, she wasn’t sure if he’d wake up with a concussion or not so she better be safe than sorry. The last thing she wanted was him to die. If anything, he was her link to become a jedi since Luke refused. She needed him.

“Perhaps you don’t see it in yourself yet, Ben. But I do. I know you can be a good man. I’ve seen it. There is still light in you, I feel it so clearly… Let it grow, find yourself in it and when you do… come find me. Leia and I will be waiting.”

She whispered and gave him a light kiss on his left temple before she got up to her feet and hurried down to the elevator to try to figure out how to get herself away from here as soon as possible but she couldn't help looking at his form while the elevator doors shut. It would be a matter of time before anyone would notice what had happened in here and she surely didn’t want to be here when that happened. Her own escape-pod would most likely be watched by guards by now, but there should be more of them somewhere, right? Hopefully she would find something to get her away from here. If she did, then perhaps she could add 'escape from the first order artist' to her name.

  
 

**Author's Note:**

> If you find this fic good enough to comment on, please do so! It feeds my muse to know what you think and it might even spark her to write more and to dance over the keyboard! ^_^ 
> 
> This is, as stated before, my first ever attempt at Kylo Ren (and Star Wars to begin with) please be gentle :3 <3


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